out with the old...

Well I am thoroughly disappointed in myself. I guess I had my head so far up my butt last year at New Year's that I never put my resolutions down in print. That sucks, for a couple of reasons. But rather than kick my own butt, I will make sure to do better this year :).

We had a lovely Christmas, was able to see lots of family but missed seeing some too and hope to remedy that really really really soon!! (I'm subtle, huh?) Santa brought Hunter and Ivey 100 $1 bills. The condition was that they had to distribute it Christmas morning. So we set out to figure out how to pay it forward. First we decided to pretend our car was broken down and planned to give it to whoever stopped. Well, either my ADD, impatience or the fact that everyone assumes everyone has cell phones made that a bad plan. So we found a homeless man and Hunter and Ivey gave it to him and we went home. I think it was a fun tradition that we will do from now on, and hopefully they will have time between now and next Santa's visit to think of some really creative way to give it away that will be really meaningful.

Things are good. 2010 was full of a whole lot of firsts and new beginnings for all of us. Some ugly stuff but a whole whole lotta growing and retooling and getting to know the new us a little better. I am becoming more and more aware of how rich I am with friends-new and old, the wonderful man who I have the priviledge of calling my son, and the beautiful girl I get to call my daughter, my job, my coworkers and professional friends. I am also becoming more and more aware of the clock that is ticking towards Hunter's leaving for college. It makes me have a knot in my stomach and feel like a noose is being slipped around my neck. But I have to add that in addition to the panicky ooky feeling, I also couldn't be more proud of the man he has become. He is not only brilliant, but one of the funniest people I know, deep, kind and really thoughtful in a very forgetful way. He is responsible in a way that amazes me (don't look at his bedroom for evidence of this!). He has money stashed in bank accounts all over town and manages his money in a way that I couldn't do until I was, well, honestly...at least 35 (I'll have to get back with you on the age I settle on). All in all, though, I feel really good about where I am, and where we're headed. I've made some new friends. I have fallen out of like with others. One thing is for certain - each of them is important and has been an important part of every step of the way - every one. This year, I plan to:

• Run more (that wouldn't be hard--at all--since I have run literally nada lately, but I mean regularly, like every day again)
• Attend a few weddings (not the ones I'm working...but specific ones. AHEM!)
• Take dance lessons
• See more live music.
• Finish more books.
• Do something every day that challenges me.
• Enjoy the heck out of my limited time with my dude and the girl.
• Learn to manage my money as wisely as my dude does his.
• Paint more.
• Potty mouth less.
• Become cultured, mature enough to not giggle at accidental references to body parts in inappropriate settings. Learn to not cry when I try to I am trying to control a laugh because really-- I'm an adult, I should have more control over myself?!
• Take more pictures.
• Finish my bathroom (I am giddy as I write that because it REALLY REALLY is getting close!?!?!) I promise more pictures as more is complete.
• Leave divorces, cancer and all the ugly in 2010 and enjoy the heck out of a healthy, happy safe 2011.

Here's to you and your's and to many, many more together.

Best,
e

Smiling's my favorite!

So we took our holiday pictures during the Thanksgiving break, and even though I thought it would make me sad, it wasn't bad. The truth is, the kids and I have so much fun together that any regret was overshadowed by a good time.

I think I just finished one of the best weekends in a long time. I got to catch up with friends on Friday night, had coffee/tea and seriously people watched with my Carrie Saturday morning, spent time with Ivey and her friends Saturday and then had a date night with my dude. We had dinner and then went to Pete's Piano Bar. It was great (yes, I had my "baby" in a bar...let the judgement begin), we both had fun, and it was fabulous to get to spend the evening with him. Today, I got to spend the day with Ivey, and we pulled Christmas decorations out of the attic, put them out (no tree this year because we decided we didn't want one). Pulling the stockings out was the first sad time I've had in a while. More for the fact that I didn't exactly know what to do. We have four matching stockings. I picked three of them out, and put one back in the box and put it back up in the attic. The split second moment of uncomfortableness ended with me and Ivey laughing about something silly, they are hung, and all's good in the world again.

We made a wreath, I made my cinnamon smelly stuff that made the house smell like Christmas, baked some candy (wrong, Indi, dirty and wrong of you to introduce me to that and then let me know how easy it is to make), baked banana nut bread, and chicken enchiladas.

Now, I think I'll go watch Elf.

Really new things!

Wow! There's exciting things happening! I can't tell everything right now, but it just feels right. You know how when you think of something and whether it might be the right thing and you can't think of one reason you shouldn't?

It means lots less stress for me, and for others, and that makes me even happier. It means for more family game nights and my liver may or may not forgive me. Just saying...

I had a great weekend. I got to witness the wedding of an adorable couple who, even though I see weddings often now and am sometimes critical, I was actually proud to see get married. They are sweet and so in love, it was such a pleasure getting to be a part of it all. I got to spend the evening with two cousins and the boyfriend of one, whom I adore. Two other friends worked the event and it was a pleasure getting to be a part of their fine work. Another friend was my date and it was a pleasure getting to be next to my bff and experience it all (all of it) together.

Speaking of the bff, Heather and Feesh have put a contract on a house and I am so excited I could pee my pants. Not only is it a spectacular house (it is spectacular!!!!), it's close, it means they will be together and I love that more than anything. I love him more and more for her every time I am with him. They are so crazy in love and it is so beautiful to see someone you love so very much be loved so genuinely. Mimi and I got to have dinner with his parentals, and it was like we were meeting our new in-laws. It was great, and I look forward to many, many more of those dinners.

I spent the day today relaxing (for those of you doubting, I really did!), and then made new plans that impact a lot. I am turning my garage into a studio apartment for a friend. It will help me with expenses, and help them with rent, and will be great for everyone. I am super excited. It relieves a lot of pressure and stress for finances from me and also will have another set of eyes and ears for the kids, and hands to help around here, and "friend X" is good in the yard!!!!

I am on vacation allllllllll week this week! Going to Thanksgiving with family for the first time in 6 or 7 years. More soon. Promise.

Overall, though, things are looking up. Have a happy thanksgiving and tell those you love why you love them. Don't miss the opportunity, you may not get another.

memoirs of a dating girl

I have been asked a bunch of times to write down the funny dating stories I've experienced. I promise I will, but I just don't think I can publish them, at least right now. So many of the subjects read my blogs or may stumble upon them.

Let's just suffice to say that they are funny, and people are weird, beyond weird actually. And I know I don't even have the best stories that I've heard. So tell me your's!

It's safe, we're all friends here, right?

letter to my 16 year old self

I keep seeing tweets people are writing to their 16 year old seves. Of course, it makes me wonder what I'd want my 16 year old self to know. Here it goes:

Stranger danger is real. Candy in white vans is a bad idea. Always.
Proudly be the only one who doesn't do drugs, get high, have crazy sexcapades, get wasted often. Being the one who remembers everything, feels ok the next day and your brain cells are worth it. No one's ever been regretful they didn't alter their mind quite enough.
Finish school. Go as far as you can right now, it will never be easier and you'll never regret it. Even if you choose a lukewarm major, no one can ever take that away from you.
Know where to go when you need love. Know who gives hugs freely and warmly and without expectations and don't forget to reciprocate.
Your hair doesn't have to be that freaking big. Not at all necessary.
Morals and standards should be something you negotiate only with yourself. No one else.
In everything you do, put yourself into it. Whether its a piece of art, your writing, making a burger or planning a party. You will show you to the world, allowing them to experience that but you will experience more of life that way, too.
Make decisions based on what you want; don't sacrifice for others. If they are worth anything, they will still be there.
If someone tells or shows you they aren't good enough for you, believe them.
Wear sunblock!!!!!
Don't hide who you are. Being the best you you can be allows those around you the freedom to be the best them they can be.
If you are confused in any kind of relationship, something's wrong with it. Let it go and if it is meant to be, it will work itself out. If it doesn't, something better will take it's place.
Don't be afraid of falling in love. You will get hurt, and deeply. It will still be worth it.
Dare yourself to fail as often as you can. For every time you will fail, you will succeed many more times.
If you like something, say so. If you don't, say so.
Sometimes people won't like you. And sometimes that has nothing, in no way, not anything to do with you.
Learn to speak spanish.
Start eating better today. Don't ever quit exercising. It will be sooo much easier if you never stop.
You have no idea how amazing you look right now. Appreciate it. Moisturize and hydrate.
Take more pictures.
Date a lot of different types of people. Learn who you are and what you want.
Save more money.
Credit is bad. Just say no.
Ask for advice about big decisions. Don't take them on by yourself.
Worry less about keeping up with and impressing others and more about being present and experiencing laughter, love and joy.
Do yoga every day.
Read more books.
Write your family notes.
Have a trademark.
Take time to be with your friends more.
Learn to cook and do it well. Trust me, you'll need that!
Don't let your cosmetology license expire.
Know you are loved.

so on and so forth

So it's been a crazy couple of weeks. I feel like I haven't even seen more than a few minutes at a time of Hunter or Ivey. I send them text messages every couple of days to make sure they know I'm still alive and to make sure they still remember me. Of course, I'm being silly, but we haven't really spent much quality time together. Really. Once two events that are coming up are completed and wildly successful and the y-dub's year end is behind us as the most successful to date, things will be much less hectic. I have to say I'm looking forward to being bored for a minute.

Yesterday I got a call from my inlaws who asked if they could spend some time with me this weekend and it made my day, honestly probably my week. Not only do I miss them terribly, it feels really terrific to know that they want to spend time with me bad enough to make it happen. I'm looking forward to seeing them, giving them piece of mind that I'm really ok and of course knowing I will have a great time with them as always.

Heather's been out of town for what seems like a month and a half. I don't think its been that long, but I get to have some H time this weekend, too! :)

Tonight I had a rehearsal for an event on Sunday. On my way home I called the kids to find out that Ivey was going to the mall with her friend Susan and her mom and Hunter was at work. The one night I was coming home reasonably early and they were both gone. Poop. Just as I was hanging up from that call, my grandmother called. I ended up getting an impromptu dinner with my grandparents. We sat and talked about philanthropists in Fort Worth, old airports, funny family members and my grandfather told me about the day I had my son and he cried while he told me about it. It was one of the sweetest moments we've ever shared that I remember. Right there at Rosa's he told me how proud he was of me while my grandmother was gone getting him some more diet coke. Poignant, huh?

Looking at his hands tonight, his age was underscored to me and I was reminded once again how lucky I am to not only still have them on the planet, but to be able to have impromptu dinners with them and enjoy their company. My grandmother told me about her women's league softball team that took first place in the league and her co-ed team that took second last week. How cool is that? The obvious love they still have for each other after 61 years of marriage is inspiring and beautiful and makes me proud beyond measure. They hold hands and steal kisses at my kids school events. Put simply, it's adorable.

I'm intentionally not mentioning the fact that in two weeks my kid will be turning eighteen years old. Two weeks. I have equal parts sadness and excitement for him and am just plain scared shitless about how things will change. Enough about that. I'm super excited about having made plans for a girls' trip in the Spring. Look out Nawlins, we're coming--don't say you weren't warned. :)

its coming!

Windows are open, pool's too cool to swim in, its getting to be that time of year. That time of year where we begin to get crazy busy and hectic headaches from the frenzy of activity. We also, if we're smart, pause to appreciate and reflect the many many beautiful things in our world.

This year, although it's certainly had its share of life-changing moments that I wish hadn't had to happen, has been one huge flashlight on the beauty in my world. I am thankful for each of these things:

A son who is responsible and smart and I am proud to say ready to tackle his future with an open mind and heart. He is such a cool person and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mother. He's a neato human being. Really neato.

A daughter who is equal parts one of my best friends and the biggest pain in the butt I've ever known. She makes me laugh, teaches me patience and reminds me on a daily basis all the lessons I have taught her (irony is a funny thing). She's beautiful from the inside out and I'm proud to know her.

My family, the big, loud, dysfunctional at times, crazy-looking-family-tree with multiple branches that have the same title. The inlaws, outlaws, distant and close. All of them, each and every one. Those who have passed away, for the times we had with them and those we still have the opportunity to make more memories with.

The opportunity to work in a place I still love to go every day. It has changed immensely since the day I started, but through all the changes, the difference being made in lives is inspiring now more than ever and I love being on the sidelines and having a front row seat for those transformations.

My wonderful, funny, quirky, crazy girlfriends. Each of you serves a very different role, and I appreciate and love you all. The vegans, the carnivores, the moms, the non-moms, my mom, the ones with their girl cards and lots of makeup and frills and those without, the hippies, the conservatives, the ones who text late at night and make me laugh til I cry and pee my pants, the ones I laugh with, the ones I cry with, the ones who call me every week or two asking to go to lunch (and that I happen to miss every single time :(), the ones who are actually related to me and the ones who call themselves family, the divorced ones, the divorcing ones, the never married, the getting married ones, the yoga friends, the lunch buddies, the wine friends, the ones I rarely see, the call me when there's a mum emergency friends, the ones who send inappropriate pictures, the ones who can hear my voice and know somethings wrong (or very very right), the new ones, the old ones, the ones I can't live without and the ones I definitely couldn't live with. In many years, we will look back on our having raised these fabulous families (or not) and all the laughs, fun, and not fun fondly. Here's to many many more chapters to our books both together and separately.

My guy friends, too. My friends, my friends boyfriends, husbands, brothers, etc. I appreciate and love you, too.

My little piece of the earth. I love my back yard and even though it is not big, or fancy or new, it is home and has love and is comfortable and makes me happy. It still needs a completed master bath, but is oh so close-closer than its been in a looooong time. I love that with a second job and a commitment by a great ex-husband a girl could ask for, I have been able to stay in the house and allow the kids to have a little less trauma in their world.

Speaking of him, I am thankful for Josh. Seriously. He and I had a lot of great years together and he continues to be not only a great dad, but still a great friend to me. I love knowing that I have him in my corner and that he truly has my back. Learning from our mistakes in our relationship has given me a great starting point for a new one. I know many couples who have been divorced much longer who haven't yet reached the same level of friendship and its in no small part because he's a really great dad. I'm thankful we got through the past year with only a few small roadbumps and are where we are today.

Family game night. Silly fun and the greatest stress relief ever. Gosh we're loud!

I have at least ten kids who call me mom. That makes me happy and I'm thankful for you all.

For being healthy knowing people who are having to actively work hard to be that way.

Having the opportunity to give back to my community and all the friends I've made doing it. I'm thankful for the feeling it gives me and for my friends who humor me. Your willingness to be "voluntold" is much much appreciated.

Experiences I've had meeting new people, dating, the fun I've had, the lessons I've learned and things I've figured out about myself and others. The lessons I have yet to learn but will. I'm thankful for it all.

Pedicures with friends, even though no one else in the nail place is thankful we are there. We are loud and have a great time just like in yoga, as if no one else is there. :)

I am told at least twice a week that my life makes someone else tired. I am thankful for it all, exactly the way it is. I am also thankful for you. Yes, you. Thanks for your role-whatever that looks like, whether big or small, continuing or past tense in my life.

Enjoy the fall, appreciate the holidays and don't fret too much on the things that don't matter and spend lots of time on all the many things that do.

the man of my dreams

Since the day you found your way into my world, you swept me off my feet. You made me pay attention to the decisions I made, you saved me from myself. You have helped me grow up and become a better person. You helped me learn things I could not have learned in any other way or from any other person. You make me laugh, you make me nervous, you make me excited about the future, you make me smile, you show me things I didn't know before, you help me look further than I thought possible. You force me to look at things from another perspective and thus see things I would otherwise be unable to see.

And someday I know, you'll be the man of someone elses dreams, too. But until then, I will enjoy having you somewhat to myself. I love you, Hunt. I hope you always know whereever you go, however you go and whatever you do, I will be right here behind you.

Love,
Your biggest fan.


Today was a fantastic day (brought to you by the letter F and the number 17). Hunt and I ate lunch together at Spiral Diner and then donated a bit of our blood for someone who needs it worse than we do right now. After a nap (WOOHOO!), we went to the Fall Indi Fest. We shared an Italian yummy dinner, listened to some great music, some fabulous music and some other too. :) We saw a poignant short film that still disturbs me a bit, but I'm glad I saw it. We saw some great art and I fell right in love with the Lovesac they had in the theater. We just had a great day together. Hunter, today was the stuff a Mama's dreams are made of. Thank you for letting me pretend to be cool enough to hang with you. It means alot.

my bucket list

I've had kind of a rough day. Just as I was leaving to get on a plane for Pueblo, Colorado, Ivey called me to say she was sick. I hate leaving her home alone sick, but did it. I am missing my induction as the Kiwanis President for the coming year and I got bad news that a dear dear friend and volunteer of the YWCA, Willa Lister, passed away today. I guess I was feeling sentimental. Here's what a three hour layover in a small airport will do for ya.

1. Build a sandcastle that takes more than one day to build with my grandchildren.
2. Give a complete stranger more than $100 on Christmas Day with a note that they are important and for them to share the love whenever they can in whatever way they can.
3. Celebrate New Year’s Eve in the big apple.
4. Take the Route 66 road trip.
5. To spend a month touring a foreign country with someone I love with no schedules to keep, reservations or agendas.
6. Ride a hot air balloon over the Grand Canyon.
7. Watch the sunrise in as many countries as I can. And photograph them all.
8. Write a children’s book and have my kids and grandchildren, perhaps, illustrate it.
9. Hook and reel in a shark larger than me.
10. Have a dinner party at my house complete with placecards, linens, multiple courses (that may or may not be prepared by me ;)) for enough people (and diversity of guests) to make the conversation interesting but still intimate.
11. Run in the Boston marathon (finishing is a secondary item).
12. Earn a seven figure amount of money so I can have the joy of giving it away.
13. Learn to play the guitar.
14. Play guitar around a campfire under the stars.
15. Snorkel in Australia, Greece, New Zealand.
16. Help a mother deliver a baby.
17. Go to the airport and take the next flight leaving. No matter where it is going. Enjoy a few days and get to know that place intimately.
18. Discover a way to bottle lingering smells for a bad day/moment/week that will stand the test of time. (Think your mother/father/grandmother/childhood home/lover/newborn baby/etc.)
19. Be able to pinpoint the difference I made in anothers’ life.
20. Give my mother and father a gift of appreciation that makes each of them proud of their work and really get who they are in the world.
21. Be positive that every single person in my life knows exactly what they mean to me.
22. Obtain a gift (donation not for me personally) for one million dollars from an individual.
23. Ski a black slope and live to tell about it.
24. Get my CFRE (certified fundraising executive) credential
25. Leave a trail of people in my life who are better off for having known me, if even for a short time, comic relief or feeling better about themselves.
26. Gracefully turn down a job offer and marriage proposal (not combined offers )
27. Finish my psychology degree
28. Learn to speak Spanish
29. For my kids to grow up and know they are loved unconditionally, not just by me, but by many, many people and that they can do or be anything they want and be loved because/for/in spite of it. For them to know they have the responsibility to make the world a better place in every way they can and for them to be proud to do that.
30. Perform in a community theater.
31. Learn to ballroom dance and have a go-to partner with whom to practice often.
32. Play at least a game of softball with my grandmother, father, Hunter and Ivey. A tournament or season would be that much better.
33. Swim with the stingrays and/or sharks.
34. Have artsy nude photos done.
35. Have grandchildren that light up when they see me or hear my name.
36. Make a stained glass window.
37. Sew a piece of clothing and wear it proudly.
38. Celebrate a 20th, 30th or even 50th wedding anniversary.
39. Enjoy a romantic evening under the stars at the Eiffel Tower.
40. Spend a week on a boat with no crew.
41. Experience Mardi Gras from Bourbon Street.
42. Build a piece of furniture with my hands.
43. Experience Olympic games in another country.
44. Spend a week on a beach in another country with 10-20 of my closest, dearest friends (Sam, Carrie--you said you like shout outs --this is yours!), exploring the local pubs, people, and seeing the world together.
45. Attend a world series final.
46. Give my friends and loved-ones enough silly stories to pull from so that when I am gone, they won’t cry at a stuffy funeral, but rather will gather together, tell stories and laugh until they cry and relive the joy we shared together.
47. Have a bubble blowing contest with kids I don’t know.
48. Spend a week with a family in another country who speak a different language.
49. Learn sign language.
50. Live and volunteer in another country for a year.
51. Enjoy holidays and special occasions as the kids grow and are grown with both of their parents (and presumably our new spouses).
52. Welcome home troops at the airport with gifts and let them know they are appreciated.

There are a few boring bucket list items I have left off because they are somewhat generic: I want to go so many places, Fiji, Greece, Italy, Jerusalem, Japan, Australia, the list goes on and on and on. Bungee jumping, sky diving, scuba diving, climb a mountain, leave a $200 tip on a $20 lunch to a pregnant waitress to name a few. If I think of more, I will add to. Please share yours with me!

All the Single Ladies...

Today was the big day I've been waiting for. On one hand it was much more stressful than I imagined, but then again it was without any emotion at all, which was odd.

I couldn't sleep at all last night because I was really anxious. Not about the divorce itself, but the paperwork and whether or not I had filled everything out correctly. I was worried the judge would tell me I had done something wrong or needed additional documents and I would have to come back another day. Our court appt was at 8:00 am, so we had to leave ridiculously early. On the way there I got really nervous, but thankfully H was right before me, so I got to see it all in action. (she did terrific, by the way!) I was super scared about talking to the judge for some stupid reason -- just being in the courtroom was super intimidating. When the judge got to me, I had screwed up something with our paperwork and the bailiff had to bring it back to me (DOH!?!?!). I fixed it, and gave it back to the bailiff, the judge took another case and then got to my paperwork again. He got kinda irritated this time about not filling out my paperwork for me and the bailiff brought them back to me again. Heather helped me fix it again, and finally the bailiff came to me smiling and said I had finally gotten it right and I didn't even have to go talk to the judge at all. (I got to go through the express lane.)Our divorce is now final.

We picked up the police report from last week (she DOES have insurance!!) had some breakfast and margaritas and decompressed. I was able to share the day in every way with my hand-picked bff, and I couldn't ask for more.

We then spent the afternoon with our favorite hairdresser (Mimi, H and I) getting all prettied up. With a few exceptions, I couldn't have asked for a better day. Thank you for your support and love today, believe me, we both felt it. Now, about tomorrow... :)

do it for yourself

There is no simple secret for happiness. It can be attained by many avenues and can be avoided accidentally by just as many.

The true test of happiness is looking in the mirror and liking who you are. Not necessarily loving your nose, or chin, either of them, or even loving those thighs or butt, but loving who you see. Do you do the right thing when no ones looking and when no one will find out? Do you love someone else more than you love yourself? Do you ever, even occasionally, make decisions on others' needs rather than what you might get in return? How much of yourself do you give to the universe?

Love completely. Give yourself fully, without abandon. If you are hurt, it is not your fault nor will it be you who loses. We get what we give in this life. You may not see that today or even tomorrow, but it will come back to you. Always act with compassion, even with someone who doesn't seem to deserve it. Trust me, its there. They do.

This goes the same for yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes, but learn from them so you can avoid repeating them. Forgive yourself and move on, knowing you aren't your mistakes, but rather are a genuinely gentle, sweet soul who happened to screw up. Not the end of the world. Don't forget that. Take the time to learn the lesson. Note it deeply and note what it caused to others and allow yourself permission to let it go. Take a deep breath and shut your eyes and smile knowing you have this and not for mine or anyone else's benefit, but for your own. Love who you are. Be who you want. Its never too late.

lucky to be right here

Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you had been born to different parents or in a different country or maybe just a different time-even just a year or two? Or if you had made one different decision? If you'd gone to a different party and met a different person who you'd later marry, how would things right now look different? Would you have the same beliefs? Would you have the same talents? Would you be good at something you've never even tried in your life? Who would you love? What would your kids be like? What would your outlook be?

Obviously most of that is purely circumstance, but personal choice also has just as big a role to play in your future now. I personally believe that for all the good and many many bad decisions we make, we learn and grow and become wiser about the world, ourselves and others hopefully. I think the more wrong decisions you make today, you have the unique opportunity to know more than the person who made "good" decisions tomorrow--if you pay attention. That's the real key- you have to allow yourself to make the mistakes, notice them, take responsibility for them (at least mentally) and figure out how you could have done things differently, with more compassion, love, respect and obviously with different results.

If you could live your life backward from the funeral service on, would that make a difference? Wouldn't you want to either live up to those expectations of yourself or prove (to them and you) that you were more? Would you love more and forgive faster and care less about who thinks what and more about the footprint you're leaving behind, not what cute shoes its in? Its not too late yet. Appreciate those in your life who add meaning and depth and beauty and spend more time with them. Tell them. Spend time with yourself and learn who you are for others. Be that for yourself too. Give more than you think you have. You won't be sorry.

thankful

Game night with family and great friends on Friday night. Saturday I got to have breakfast with mimi, see rylee's first ever soccer game (Too cute!!) before going off to work. The kids went with their cousin and his girlfriend (tommy and kessa) to see the toadies-dia de los toadies. Since I had a wedding I couldn't go. They had a great time, and came home tired, dirty, a little cranky, and sore from dancing so it sounds like a good time was had to me. I love that they were able to go and that they are such great kids I had no worries-mostly. :)

After our heart-attack-inducing breakfast (well, lunch maybe-at noon) at chef pointe cafe (if you haven't tried it, you're missing out, fo sho! Chicken and waffles and the most yummy open faced sandwich that sort of reminded me of a monte cristo but with a fab rich cream sauce all over it), spent the afternoon at a fundraiser at a hole-in-the-wall smoky bar with great music from several local singer/songwriters (and one or two not great, but interesting nonetheless), great conversation and frosty beverages. I love living in a place where at 2:00 on a Sunday this can readily be found--that and someone to enjoy it with.

The cherry on this weekend I am grateful for was dinner with those brumley kids (yep, I cooked), and one bff with a little true blood.

We get to start another week tomorrow. Smile even when you don't mean it. There are many many reasons to do so every day. Find one and appreciate it. Do it for yourself and your happiness, but do it especially for those who are struggling. You never know when your smile may be the only bright spot in someone's day.

Checking in

So I haven't been home every night, but every night I have been home, I have definitely cooked. It's not the daunting task it always has been. My sweet boss brought me four months of her menus and the link to where she gets the recipes. This, with several friends offering tidbits/suggestions/advice has made it easy and (gasp) actually fun. So far so good. I was even told the other night that I should have taken up this whole cooking thing earlier (to be fair, it was only said once by one person, and let's just say she hasn't been enjoying lots of home-cooked meals)! I'll take the compliment, though.

Now, since saying that publicly worked so well, I am going to say that I am going to get back to working out, also. Community, hold me to it, please!

Hunter started his senior year in high school. Since he and Ivey are going to Dia de los Toadies this weekend (I am super jealous that I can't go but am also excited they get to), he has had to work every day this week. I have hardly seen him, but he seemed to be happy (as of last night at least) with his classes. He is continuing his audio engineering and is taking some AP classes to get college credit. Ivey started her sophomore year and seems to be liking it fine, too. She is staying in softball this semester but wants to get out before the season starts because she's not a big fan of the JV coach. Feel free to nag away at her, family and friends (sorry Ivey!).

We had lots of kids here for FDOSB (First Day of School Breakfast) and I am thrilled to get to see all the bright shiny faces and to be a part of their big days. I wouldn't trade it for the world!

I have been off from the weekend gig for the past three weekends and have really enjoyed and appreciated the time off. I am getting back into the swing of things this weekend and apparently will be crazy busy for the next few months.

The divorce will be final September 16th-- and we are all still good. Josh and I are getting along fine. The kids are seeing Josh regularly and we are all doing well. I hate that it is so hard for everyone else, but the four of us are doing just fine. We are not mad, sad, angry, upset, stressed, or anything else negative. We are doing great. We do all appreciate the concern, though and if you want to, come get Hunter and Ivey and take them to lunch and talk to them one on one. They'd love that-they both are big fans of food.

I have been spending lots of time concerned about and sending love to family and several friends/coworkers/loved ones who are dealing with some significant health problems or super challenging life circumstances. Never miss an opportunity to laugh, hug, kiss, tell someone you love them, share a smile and just pass on warm, gentle kindness. You never know what someone is going through or dealing with. It may be temporary, or it may be permanent but the grace in which you handle the challenge says everything about you. I wish you all the comfort to know you are not alone.

Love to you all.
e

Can you teach an old dog new tricks?

I've heard that if you have a goal, it's best to state it right out loud so others can hold you accountable for following through on it. Drumroll, please...........

I am going to learn how to cook. OK, not exactly rocket science, but I have zero natural ability to match things together, or season stuff or do anything other than I am the best eater of food ever. I didn't bother learning for years because Brumley was so damn good at it and he actually enjoyed it. I guess I could have payed a little attention rather than drinking wine while he worked. (oops...hindsight's 20/20, huh??) I even tried to talk him into preparing all our meals for me. He could do half of them on Sunday night and the other half on Wednesday. He agreed to it, but never did it, so I am guessing it wasn't such an exciting plan to him--who could blame him?? :)

I know it's not exactly the most sought after information for most, but I will be happy to post the recipes I find, and I would certainly appreciate your sharing your's with me as I start on my new adventure!

Peace be with poor Hunter and Ivey and may their stomachs be made of steel.

breakthroughs

You know how when things are good, you just roll through on auto-pilot often without noticing what is happening around you or within you? And it takes something happening, unfortunately usually negative, to give you the jolt to become aware again? That's not to say that you don't appreciate things but you aren't actively learning about yourself and the world you live in and how.

Being home alone in the pool or on the couch without background noise, with nothing but my thoughts is very peaceful and I'm super proud of that.

I absolutely LOVE what is happening at the y-dub. We are evolving and making more of a difference for more people and that is beautiful to watch. To see such passion in those I get to spend every day with and the depth they have to make things happen is inspiring to say the least. I also LOVE coordinating weddings. Really throwing yourself into someones special day and trying to make sure it is perfect, fun, memorable and thinking of all the things they didn't is super fun. I love the people I get to work with there, too! As it turns out, there's not much better place to be a single woman than at a wedding. either!

Learning to love people and my world exactly the way it is and exactly the way it isn't was a powerful lesson and takes practicing every single day.

Being frightened doesn't have to shut you down. The things I have been most scared of have been my proudest achievements.

I used to think my being willing to trust others and what they say was naive. I now realize it is something only a strong person can do.

A small thing such as having my pool cared for by someone else makes all the difference in the world for me and my stress level.

Master bathroom toilet seats staying put was definitely underrated for 20 or so years of my life.

I have the most incredible, strong, passionate, loving, generous friends around me and I have finally realized there is a reason for this and that makes me smile. I hope to give you all as much as you have given and give me.

My go-to life-coach is my stepdad. I love him because he's my moms husband, but its more than that. He doesn't fix things for me or even try. He listens to whatever I have to say, and I can tell him anything at all about anyone at all. He listens without making me feel silly or wrong or stupid and knows me well enough to ask me the questions that have me find the answers. That's a beautiful thing to have in the world. My wish is that everyone have a "poppy" that they can go to.

I am aware of the strong, healthy friendships and why they are that way and who they are with. I am also aware of those fragile ones and why they are. I am also aware of those that are broken and some I know exactly why and some I'm not sure about. I am thankful for each of them anyway because I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason and hopefully we both gained something, even if it was small.

I still don't love to cook. Fortunately I have friends that do.

Seeing someone you love with all your heart be loved by someone else is heart melting and a beautiful thing. Seeing someone you love be not treated right and compromising themselves is conversely the hardest thing to watch.

Being able to laugh until we cry with someone without even knowing why is part of one of the deepest friendships I have ever known.

I love being able to sleep on either side of the king-sized bed or smack dab in the middle.

Sometimes its the little things that make us smile and sometimes its the big crater sized things.

Fast sports cars are both fun and can be bad at the same time.

on my mind...

If someone acts with a disregard for your feelings, they are either so grossly self-absorbed they don't realize it, selfish they don't care or damaged they can't tell the difference. At any rate, nothing you do can change any of those three so let them go and hope that they will work it out for themselves.

Every person must be whole before they can enter into another relationship and have it be successful.

Timing is everything. If you don't believe it, ask someone whose child just got hit by a car, who just had a baby, who just found out they had a terminal disease or won the lottery. Sometimes it works for you and sometimes it works against you. For now.

Sometimes the greatest of all blessings are those things you wished and hoped for the very most--that didn't happen.

Actions speak louder than words. Words are poetic and can be beautiful or not, but what someone does is where its at.

If someone does me wrong, I can do nothing about that. I can only do something about my reaction, whether I let it continue to hurt me or make me angry. I also can control whether I allow myself to continue that cycle and do the same thing to others. I can choose to do better and not leave a string of damaged relationships behind me in my wake. Learn a little more about yourself from each challenge and it will all be worthwhile.

Don't be afraid to give yourself fully. Its the only way to experience life completely. At the same time, don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option.

Life is short, if somethings confusing, move on. It shouldn't be that hard. Time will usually clarify it.

We never have a guarantee of tomorrow so live each day as though it may be your last.

Happiness is a work in progress and its ok to be unrelenting in its pursuit. Smile. Its good for you. Pass it on. Do something kind for someone else for no reason or expectation of reciprocation. Challenge yourself to do something every day to make your little piece of the world a better place. Write it down. I'd love to know what it is you're doing.

Boring update - almost no mush this time.

I have been working the new job-- as a wedding and event coordinator at the Bell Tower in Fort Worth. The Bell Tower is run and operated by ACH (formerly All Church Home). The property it sits on used to be the Masonic Children's Home near the Polytechnic area of FW that was closed down several years ago. A family bought it and donated it to ACH and they are renovating it building by building. The Bell Tower Chapel was renovated first as a revenue generator for their programs and there are several coordinators, me being one. I absolutely love it. It is super hard work and can be very stressful, but is also amazing and fun. It is a lot less hours than HD, mostly just Saturdays and/or Sundays, so I am off all nights during the week, which is great. I actually get to see the kids! I am quite aware often of how fortunate I am to have a job I absolutely love going to every day with people I love working with every day. And now to have two very different jobs that I really enjoy seems somehow unfair, but I'm not giving either back.

Hunter has quit his job at Sonic - he is going on an adventure. I am not sure at all what that means, but love it for him, so long as his car insurance continues to be paid on time. :) Speaking of that - he was putting his shoes on while driving the stick shift and somehow the lady in front of him stopped at the light rammed her rear bumper right into his front bumper - tragic. So, if you see Hunter walking about town, honk and wave, please.

Ivey has quit working at NRH20. She is looking for another job, but since she's only 15, is having a hard time. I am not sad she can't find a job, but she is.

Things are going well otherwise, the divorce will be finalized in the next few weeks, which is exciting. It will be nice to have all of it behind us. Since Heather's divorce will be finalized around the same time we are planning a double ceremony and will be trying to get our court dates and times together.

I still have to say I am in awe every day of the amazing friends and family I have. I am not sure what I have ever done to deserve it, but the people that choose to be in my life have shown me over and over again how much they love me and why. I can't thank you all enough.

PS - I don't have to work Saturday or Sunday this week! Shenanigans o'plenty!

Some things I have learned

Live for today. Yesterday is already gone, and tomorrow may never come.
All people are scared. Scared you will see them for the vulnerable human being they are. They are not any different from you, except we all have varying ways of faking it.
The unconditional love of those around you is worth more money than I will ever have.
Some times you just gotta smile. Eventually you will either cry and get it out, or it will slip your mind and you will forget it. Either way, it's over. Smile. Sometimes it changes everything. For you and someone else.
Anyone can be a father or mother. It takes someone special to be a daddy or a mommy.
Good people come in all different shapes, sizes, colors. Bad people do too.
Sometimes the person you most need to depend on is the person who is least able to be there. It's not that they don't want to, it's just not possible for them right now.
Try not to hold a grudge. It is worse for you than it is for the person you are mad at.
Appreciate what you get. and be thankful for what you don't.
There are times when there is no other answer besides laughing. It's not always appropriate, but do it anyway.
Make those around you feel special. As often as you can. In whatever way you can. It's what makes the world go around.

When I'm gone, I want to be all used up without one single drop of anything left.

mushy, even for me...

So lately things have been crazy wild strange. Hunter, Ivey and I are all three working and it's weird. To think that Hunter is now a senior, Ivey is a sophomore, and I'm, ummmmm, well older now is a weird, weird thing.

I have been working a lot, and have just gotten a new job, but the official offer hasn't happened, so more details about that later. It's an ironic job, really, given my life, but oh well! I worked all Memorial Day weekend, with the exception of Memorial Day itself. I spent what I thought was going to be a relaxing day by the pool playing some beast-mode volleyball against the most wonderful family and friends. At some point I looked around and seriously almost cried. The smells, the sounds, the feelings it was all craziness. Poppy was cooking on the grill, kids were laughing, people were splashing, the dogs tails were wagging, the sun was beaming down, we were playing volleyball and everything was good in the world. The exact right people were there. (If you weren't in attendance, please don't read anything into that like I don't love you as much, was glad you weren't there, or anything like that. It's just that at that particular time, the people who were there all made my heart melt and I was happy for what was, not what wasn't.)

If you were there, thank you. Thank you for coming and sharing a really fantastic terrific day with me. Thank you for cooking, thank you for playing along and thank you for coming. I really am happy every single one of you were there.

P.S. Gina, Hunt, and Taylor....we kicked their butts, and we will do it again!!! Mother and Someone's son team ROCKED!!!

Rick - that BBQ sauce was good....again tonight! :)

Samantha - that kid is wicked cool. That's not a coincidence.

Brandal - you can bring that girlfriend of yours and that kid of hers anytime you'd like. HA! Just kidding...you know I love you more than my luggage.

Feesh - I fell more in love with you for my BFF yesterday, if that was possible. No, but for real.

BFF - guacamole - need I say more. OK, I love you more than just for your cooking. Sort of.

Mimi, Ivey and Matt - I have no words for you. Seriously. You rock my world anyway.

Happy Mother's Day

To the abundance of wonderful, strong, powerful women who surround me, thank you. Thank you for not shrinking to avoid making others feel insecure. Thank you for calling me on my crap. Thank you for pushing me to be the me I am. Thank you for showing my children it is possible to be both gentle and strong beyond belief at the exact same time. Thank you for the limbs to lean on and roots to stand firm (thanks Heather for that one!).

To the men in our world who have allowed all of us to be us, thank you. I think it almost takes more power to allow a strong woman to be than not. This includes husbands, sons, fathers, daddys, soon-to-be-ex-husbands, friends, brothers, brothers-in-law, flip-flop shopping partners, boyfriends of those we love, and all the others I may have forgotten.

Thank you for laughing till we cry (and maybe pee in pants), uncountable glasses of wine, phone calls for nothing but support and reassurance yet again, that everything will be alright, crazy-loud-offkey-duets in the car, swimming with the not-for-company-swimsuit-and-pretending-not-to-notice, Saturday morning garage sales with breakfast/lunch afterwards, poker games, flipping on the kids excercise ball onto the couch, yoga with extra loving included, and everything in between.

Whether or not your Mother is with you this Mother's Day, take a moment and appreciate who she is or who she was-for you and for the world. Recognize that you could not be who you are without her, no matter what your relationship looked or looks like. No matter what or no matter hard it is to understand. She is the only person who can be what she is or was for you. Smile and be grateful. I know I am.

exciting, new stuff!

It is spring time, quite possibly my favorite time of the year. You never know what you will get. Will the flowers that have been a beautiful part of our summers every year find their way out again and bloom? Will we have a Texas-monsoon and mess all that up? Getting the trees all trimmed so they can grow into their new thick green summer selves, cutting the grass (This one will get old quickly for me, but for now I love it!), getting the pool ready to dive into....I just love it all.

Things are no different inside here though. We took Hunter to a college visit in Florida. Yes, I said Florida, and I even said it without a tear or even a sniffle. Somehow things have evolved so much that I am seeing this as a wonderful opportunity for him and the next stage in his life. I can't wait to see what he does with himself. Hunt, the ball is coming in low and slow, take it or foul it off and get another - your choice, Dude. What I do know - if he does in fact go to Full Sail, he will be in a perfect place for him, surrounded by others who share the same passion and are willing to do the hard work to make that happen. It is ridiculously expensive, more so than a traditional four-year college (even many private colleges), but if this is where he has made up his mind, and I totally see why, I couldn't be happier! He is getting ready to bloom and I can't wait to see what will happen.

Ivey is doing the same thing, but in very different ways. She is just as excited about Hunter's adventures as he is (I think perhaps more so actually), and this is just exactly as it has always been. She would get so excited when he started anything new (school year, baseball season, football team, soccer, riding a bike, etc.) and the reason (I think) is that she has vision and wants him to do well so she can see how it's supposed to be done. So far he hasn't let her down. She has taken his experiences and followed some of them exactly and some of them she has made her own and those are the ones that she rocks at. But make no mistake, they are his experiences, with a little (ok, a whole lotta) Ivey sprinkled in that makes them so great.

Divorce is getting filed this week hopefully. Hunter and Ivey and I drove to Florida for the college tour. Josh was there already for work. We spent the time there together as a family and it was remarkable. We had a great time, and even though it was obviously different, I think it was perfect. We then spent 17 hours in the car driving home together (Josh drove home with us). I don't know about you, but I don't know of a single other divorcing couple that could do that. We actually had a good time, too. I want that out in the world. We are fine. All of us individually. All of us collectively, too. Thank you for your support. Thank you to friends for helping us get through the ugly stuff and allowing us to do that out in the open. Thank you to new friends and/or friends we have yet to meet for helping to shape our futures.

Let the blooming begin!

regular ol' Friday night at my house now

I've had a bit of a bad couple of days. I guess it's to be expected, but I still don't (expect it) and that sort of pisses me off--to be caught off guard by feelings. It's been going so well for weeks. Bleh!

It's really strange to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that beautiful things are in store for me, and that there is an awful lot of growing, retooling and all that cool stuff happening to me that we don't "allow" to happen when we know who we are and where we're going. Today a coworker was talking about friends of hers who quit their jobs and sold their houses and cars and moved to Turkey. Josh and I had had serious conversations about doing that (although our plan wasn't Istanbul, it was Peru, or S.Africa or somewhere else entirely that I haven't even considered). I still want to, and I may. My goals, dreams, aspirations haven't changed, it's just that the vehicle and my partner are missing. I am still committed to making the world a better place, not only for me and my loved ones, but those who have no one to make it a better place for them. And you.

I have grown to love the sound of the quiet house. Alone is so not me. I kind of find it spiritual, though. It's healing to let things be (nice, huh, since I have no control anyway???) and yet down in my gut I get that things will be good, very good in the future. Just a part of me wants to know what, and how, when and of course WHO, if there is a who in this future. At this point that is irrelevant to me, but I am still curious.

My room looks amazing. It is still missing a few things (obviously), but I love the way it's coming together and am so loving it. Thank you so much Heather, Mom, Jack, Brooke, Matty, Ivey and Hunter. I owe you all big, and I totally know that. I have a big hole in my backyard...this summer come have a partyfest with it, nothing would make me happier!

I know a few of you at least are reading this, because people keep mentioning it to me. Leave me some love, I need the positive reinforcement. :) You never know, you could help make a single mom some money someday.

wiggling down and getting used to it...

I am slowly starting to get used to it. Not picking up the phone and calling Josh at every exciting (read: sad, happy, scary, funny, etc., etc.) piece of news, not calling Josh when I need someone to listen or make me understand why I am overreacting, and the list goes on and on.

The kids are doing brilliantly. Really. It's weird, actually. I keep asking them how they are doing and if they want to "talk to someone" - unequivocally no. But still, I watch, and they aren't mad, or sad or even acting much different at all. Hunter talks a little more, maybe because I am more available? :( Ivey talks alot-still :).

Josh and I are getting along fine. It's hard to do that because everyone wants us to be angry, at least a little. I still love him and want the absolute best for him and hope things always go his way.

Now - I am getting used to a few things -
not having to compromise about anything. Reverting to early years as an only child, I am so getting used to this!?!

My toilet seat stays put. I like that. Alot. :)

I never ever turn on the tv when the kids aren't home. I am getting used to the quiet and it's gotten comfortable.

I have really committed to being healthy. I don't want to eat or drink or whatever else my way through this. I am committed to experiencing the feelings, all of them, as they come up so that they won't come back around later at a less appropriate time. Because of this, I have recognized one way to do this is to work out really hard every night. Aside from wearing me out so I sleep good, the endorphines make me not feel crappy. Not too shabby. Eventually it has to start helping on the outside, too, I would guess, which would definitely not suck. Now, if this weird knee thing would go away, I'd be a happy camper. (I see the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow).

We are managing just fine and I appreciate your love, attention, kind thoughts, concern, and everything in between both now and for what the future holds. (a 3 mile run or a glass (or two) of red wine makes most everything cheerier!) I really like me and know that there is something really amazing just around the corner. Until then, though, right where I'm at isn't too shabby and is exactly where I'm supposed to be!

Just so you know...

It has seemed like this perfectly orchestrated schedule of friends, family and those I love calling to check in, ask how we are, stop by, etc. It has made me realize how very very fortunate I am to have such wonderful people in our world. With that said, please don't stop. I love hearing from those I love, and have also loved hearing from those I haven't talked to in a very long time. I really appreciate it.

Since things are kind of not complete yet (by that I mean Josh has moved out, but hasn't taken everything of his), there are those constant reminders that set off a flurry of feelings, and stir things inside me I don't particularly like. Anger, sadness, pity, resentment, embarassment to name a few. Not to say that all is bad. I have also been hit with a new feeling about all this--excitement. Excitement mostly about finding out exactly who Erika is and what she's made of. It's going to take me a while to work all this out for myself, but don't say you weren't warned.

Look out world! Hang on to your hats, it should be interesting...

putting it out there.

I am a single mother. I am no longer a part of a couple. WHEW! It's out there. Brumley and I are not staying together. If you are scanning quickly trying to find out exactly what happened, it won't be here. All that needs to be said is that we have grown apart and have both changed. He is still the same great Brumley and I am still the same great me. We are just going to be that and not be living under the same roof. The kids are good. They are handling it much better than anyone else, actually. We are staying close friends (how could we not after being best friends for 2o-something years??), and are committed to supporting each other through this in every way.

As we continue on and forge ahead in the many, many firsts that will come our way in the next however long, please send love our way. We all will desperately need it.