Thankful...

I have failed at blogging lately. Mostly because I am deliriously happy and have been busy eating, instead. I kid, sort of.  Okay, not really at all.  Besides being completely ridiculously in love with a man who is just the perfect puzzle piece for me and my life, the kids, the parentals, the friends, the family, life is good. Things are happening, but it's all good. I got to see a way overdue engagement come to fruition for my buffalo and her missing puzzle piece, got to marry (literally - I MARRIED them!) my cousin to her missing puzzle piece, I spent a week with my puzzle piece, relaxing and enjoying each other's company, seeing lots of Texas as we thrifted our way through it, watch as mom is trying out new things and making new energy for herself, watch as my children become two grown ups, watching as my puzzle piece steps out of the comfort zone and does what he loves and watching and getting to help along the way, and all the many many firsts that have been celebrated and will be celebrated, that will be the first of many more.

I love to be reminded of all the things in the world for which I should, no MUST be thankful for, but I wanted to take a second and share. 

I am thankful for:

• my family. All of them, the ones I see, the ones I don't, the ones that are with us, the ones that were taken too soon, the ones I am close to and the ones that I simply share dna, the ones I chose for myself, the ones that I was given by chance, the ones that have always been family and the ones that only recently have become that way. I am proud to say I have a huge family and they are individually loud and wonderful,  and when any group of them get together, the chaos and roar and laughter and FUN that happens naturally is something I could never live without and never take for granted.
• a job that lights me up and turns me on and makes me proud to get up in the morning and go
• coworkers, volunteers and partners in that work that make every day a pleasure and an empowering place to be and the women and families whose lives are changing that I have the opportunity to meet who make it all worthwhile.
• the people that will not share the holidays with their families this year because they are either deployed, will be at work, protecting, or helping us all in some other way on holiday.
• the not so great things that happen when they have, because for them, I have the perspective that things are good now. Really good. I wouldn't change anything at all even if I could.
• Thankful for those friends that I have that no matter how long we are out of touch, we can pick right up where we left off, catch each other up on the days, weeks, months or even years that we've missed and carry on easily.
• Game nights (ahem!). Coming soon to a house near you.
• Health--mine, yours, mental, physical, abnormal, it's all good. Exactly the way it is.
• For relationships that are blooming, families being blended, beginnings that are happening, and lives that are being lived.

Thanks for being along for the ride. I am grateful this Thanksgiving. Love abounds. Thank you for your's.

Peace, love and happily ever after.

lots of good things happenin'

Ok, for all my massive amounts of stalkers and fans (both of you, Mom and Ivey), here's a little update.

Hunter is kicking butt in college. He's been gone two weeks but has totally grabbed UNT by the horns (little mascot humor for those of you who are paying attention), and is digging in and really "doing" college. As he promised way back about four years ago, he has given me his Sunday mornings for breakfasts. We went to the Old West Cafe last weekend, and this weekend he came home (Gasp! I hope you can see the perma-momma-smile from here). The first night after we left him in the dorm, he went downstairs and met up with a whole group of people from reddit who were all meeting each other for the first time. As a result, he has a great group of about 20-25 friends that he hangs with often. It's a beautiful thing to watch their wings spread. We went to the Loophole on the Denton square today for lunch and it wasn't too bad. We've also eaten at the Pita Pit, which I kinda loved as a very obvious (better than) Subway knock-off.  In other news, though, he still is waiting for me to come clean his room. I know he can do it, and it if it takes him four years of college (and/or getting kicked out of the his uber-neat and organized roommate's room) to learn it, I have faith he will. Any Mean Green-ers out there, suggestions on yummy breakfast places would be most appreciated.

Ivey is working at Joe's on Hwy 26. Go see her and tip her well. Their food is fab, their waitresses cute, sweet and sassy and the owners are great people. She got to spend a little time with her big brother this weekend and has a little pizazz back because of it. She has missed her big brother a lot during the past two weeks.

I am ridiculously happy and for those of you who don't know, have a facebook-status-change-worthy dude in my life. Mitch is his name, and he makes me smile. He makes me laugh and he's just as nerdy as me, maybe even more. He's cute. He gets me. He likes to garage sale. He's fun. He's cute. He has two spectacular daughters, Sam and Kim, who are 12 and 16.  If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting him, I'd be willing to make a bet that you will easily fall for him too.

I am looking forward to lots of events this week - volunteering on Tuesday night, Women Who Care, Share table host party on Thursday, a wedding and volunteer appreciation gig for the Y-dub this weekend. Busy week with lots of good things happening.

Sam Haddock, I am giddy with excitement for you but am not going to mention it yet because that would be too presumptuous of me. Oh, wait, oopsy.  Carrie Ebbesen - I hope you and your Ez have a GREAT time in the Phish-world. I am thinking of you and your dad lots and sending lots of love to you all.  Heather  - I know you are always in Feesh-world and I love you (and him for you) more every single time I am with yall. Jaime Leigh, I know things are in full-swing and I am super happy for your big day and can't wait to be a part of it.

As always, I appreciate you all and am thankful for the part we both play in each other's lives, no matter how big or small a part that is.

My son, the grownup

Alright, so it's time. Hunt's actually leaving today for college. I have a feeling things will never be the same. Not that that's bad, but Denton will change him somehow, and obviously thats s what's supposed to happen. It's progress. It's growth, it's wing-spreading and self-awareness and reality checks (on our part, as well as his), and fun, and umbilical cord cutting and exciting and beautiful and just right, not fun, but right still.

Hunt, you are leaving and taking a big part of me with you. I have watched you sleep many, many nights in the past 18 1/2 years and I will no longer have that opportunity but I am still with you. You are taking with you your grandpa's nightstand that he built with his own two hands, and your Mimi's Beatles quilt she made with her own two hands and your sister's old comforter and her very best friend since birth is going with you, so take good care of him. You are taking your dad's bicycle to move you around campus and a lock to help keep it safe from your Papa and DeeDee, along with lots of cool posters to remind you of home from them too. You're taking a microwave from Mitch and of course you're taking rugs and towels and all the other things you've collected either on your own or with the help of those who love you. You're taking the many many supportive "village members" who've not only watched you turn into the wonderful man you've become, but who've had a hand in it in one way or another. They each one feel personally vested in your future and your well-being and just so you know it - your happiness.  Know that each of those people, our families, our friends, and friends kids, our friends parents, ALL your grandparents, your aunts, your uncles, your nieces, your nephews, people who don't know you but know someone who does--- we're all rooting for you. We're all proud of you, and we all know you can do it. I feel safe in speaking for each and every one of "us" when I say, we are all here when you need anything, to talk, a ride home (from anywhere, anytime), to talk, to be there. We are counting on you to kick butt and take names. So go do your thing little man and I'll see ya next Sunday!

I love you,
Mom

happy's

Last week, I saw a quote - "what if tomorrow you only woke up with the things you were thankful for today?".  Well, folks, I'd hate to be unappreciative, so here goes:

I'm thankful for:

• Hunt's new Macbook (yep, I'm using it)
• Pinterest (the newest version of guilty pleasure!)
• sweet messages from my middle school friend reminding me she loves me
• purple sugar free koolaid
• breakfast with Ivey, Mimi, Sami and Syd-Vicious today!
• breakfast, lunch and dinner with my Fresh, Buffalo, Mimi, Poppy, grandparentals and Carrie (at different times) this week
• getting to share a Ranger game with friends and a few thousand others who seemed to enjoy being there, as well :)
• getting to have a birthday party for some of the little people in my world at our house next weekend and seeing family and friends to celebrate them
• the universe sending me the missing puzzle piece called Mitch. Well worth the wait.
• getting to go to work each day with people I adore and aspire to be more like doing what makes my heart happy - and getting paid to do it
• my big crazy weird family with all their quirkiness and warm fuzzys, too. Oh! Speaking of fuzzies--Fuzzy's Tacos, Yucatan Taco Stand, um, well, Taco places in general.
• for the things that are over, and the things that are yet to be.
• Hunter spreading his wings and taking off (yes, this is a little bit to keep from crying about it). I'm thankful that he's done what he's done, is going where he's going and the opportunity to be a part of it all. Mostly, though, I'm thankful for the next couple of weeks and the fact that he understands that I'm hanging on for dear life.
• First Day of School Breakfast that's coming soon! Even though it'll be different, we're doing it, so let me know if you're coming!
• Food in general
• knowing that I can perform an emergency wedding service in a pinch. 
• Ivey and her intuitiveness and thoughtfulness and just general way of being that makes me proud to know a person like her
• My two new pairs of "sensible shoes" and being complimented on how cute they are
• Getting to plan my cousin's wedding and be a part of their big day that's coming up fast!
• my little, messy, dog-hair rich, happy, fun house, but the thing I love most about my house is the people I share it with (no, I didn't think of that on my own -- PINTEREST!)
• all the many things I will think of throughout today that I forgot to mention here.

In short, I'm grateful for my health, my possessions and having enough of them to share with others, for my friends, for my love, for the things I have, for the things I don't and for exactly the way things are now and exactly the way they'll be tomorrow. Here's to health, love, and well-being for all.

Just checking in.

•Run more I have done a better job, but only running every few weeks is hardly a success. Will do more. Now.
•Attend a few weddings (not the ones I'm working...but specific ones. AHEM!) OK, so one of "these" is scheduled, but one is still not. FEESH!?!?!

•Take dance lessons done

•See more live music. doing good!

•Finish more books. eh, better work on that.

•Do something every day that challenges me. This was stupid anyway. Getting up on time sometimes challenges me. What was I thinking? Yeah, maybe I'm trying to justify a failure here, so what?

•Enjoy the heck out of my limited time with my dude and the girl. Gads. Another month and a half. I'm such a lucky mama.

•Learn to manage my money as wisely as my dude does his. HA!

•Paint more.  Define More. I've painted and am happy with the amounts.

•Potty mouth less. &*@#!

•Become cultured, mature enough to not giggle at accidental references to body parts in inappropriate settings. Learn to not cry when I try to I am trying to control a laugh because really-- I'm an adult, I should have more control over myself?! OOPS. Maybe tomorrow. or maybe next year.

•Take more pictures.

•Finish my bathroom (I am giddy as I write that because it REALLY REALLY is getting close!?!?!) I promise more pictures as more is complete. AND THE PIECE D'resistance! It is DONE! See!?!?!?!

Syd-vicious in the shower

Syd-vicious showing off the tub. Obviously I haven't hung anything on the walls yet.

•Leave divorces, cancer and all the ugly behind and enjoy the heck out of a healthy, happy safe 2011. Done! I so rocked that three month check up. Bring on the next one. :)

Bottom line is - things are going really well. I am happier than I've ever been and enjoying each day as it comes. Hunt is leaving, but totally ready in almost every way (except his job or housing) Be well friends!

I hope you...

I had a wedding tonight and got out way later than expected. When I drove up to the house, Hunter was on the couch watching tv. He went to bed when I got home, as if he had been waiting for me. The realization that in just a few months that won't happen anymore (on a regular basis at least) reminded me of a few things.

Hunter, I hope you:

I hope you

• Find your voice
• Play, Have fun, Laugh, Don’t ever fear crying
• Make mistakes. Big, fat, hairy mistakes that sting. Just so you can get over them and realize sometimes the best things you'll ever do come out of them and that dusting yourself off and moving past them
  is not as hard as you thought. You're stronger than you can even know right now. 
• Realize from the time I knew you existed, you have been loved, adored, cherished and not one thing you could ever do, say or be could ever change or cause even the briefest hiccup or pause in that
• Do what you love
• Know how you should be treated and don’t tolerate anything less
• Think of your childhood and smile
• Know your way back home
• Remember apple pies, pier fishing, dumb and dumber, Saturday mornings getting warm, Ginger, Sunday volleyball games, first day of school breakfasts, family holidays, LoveMouse, Bud, elementary field trips, light sabers, splashing in rain puddles in front of the cows, slip and slides, volunteering, big back yard swings, chili cook-off’s, Dr. Seuss, Buzz Lightyear, Back street Boys, swimming in a barrel, Camp CommUnity, terminal braces, Stinky Beach
• Make time to spend time with your sister. Often.
• Will not hesitate to call if you need money, a ride home from anywhere, to talk, groceries, advice, dinner or a hug.
• Learn more about you.
• Are hurt just enough to know true love and kindness when you see it.
• Will call me.
• Will see a doctor if you don’t feel well.
• Will write, sing, draw, take pictures, paint or talk and let you out.
• Know how awesome kickass you are and that that’s all you’ve ever been.
• Try new things, people, places, stories, music and then come tell me about it.
• Know my door’s always open and you always have a place to come.
• Make you as proud as you make me.
• Kiss, hug, love, dance, laugh and explore without abandon
• Learn to dance, cook and clean well and always write thank you notes
• Cherish your body and every day of your life
• Choose to love you
• Be brave
• Love people and experiences for what they are and for what they aren’t.
• Allow yourself the freedom to be messy
• Smile at strangers
• Make friends with yourself
• Realize that even though nothing was traditional, that was our tradition
• Drive safely
• Stay up too late, and push yourself too hard and know that great things happen out of that.
• Allow yourself to be lazy occasionally too. Without regret

Dude, I love you and am so glad to be your Mom. You rock..

The NEW new normal.

I am not crying out for help or support or anything like that. I promised a few people I would blog about things going through the divorce. I guess if someone stumbles across it when they are in the same place, and it gives them some comfort that someone else has messy days, so be it. So--here's to you. Its been a while because things have been good. But something about three deaths in a couple months and Hunter's upcoming graduation (please don't think I'm dramatic enough to equate the two as the same, but his leaving has been emotional for me, too) and probably some sort of shifting of the universe, I would guess has caused me some steps back. I don't know quite how to express it either. Not like I'm pining for Brumley or my marriage or wishing we were back together or even wishing I was with anyone, (in fact I am actually feeling anti-interested in any type of a relationship right now) but more struggling with my anger at the fact that it wasn't supposed to be like this right now. I'm overwhelmed all of a sudden when for the last year and a half almost its been a challenge but I've been up for it. I feel inadequate at times and pissed off and sorry for myself and for the first time lonely. I have more friends than ever and interested cool guys, but I just can't seem to get out of the mollasses. I'm struggling with resentment that I've made things peachy for others, and I'm not sorry, but now I'm just supposed to be OK when everything's changing. I realize its irrational and stupid and all that and feeling angry now is not reasonable. But I am.

The new normal that we have in our lives has just gotten reasonable and ok, I'll admit it--comfortable and I who have never even once had any angst about or resisted change is feeling anxious and just stressed about it all changing again and creating a NEW new normal. Ivey and I are about to be empty nesters--at least for a little while and then it'll all change again.

I know it will pass. I know it will lead the way to things that are yet to be imagined and things I have yet to even know I'd want. I know things will be great and I know I am fortunate to be where I am. Exactly the way it is and exactly the way it isn't. I have a dear friend who told me the sun will still come up tomorrow and nothing I do or don't do will change that. (thanks, JR!), and another good friend who I know listens to me when I give her "advice" laced loosely in my friendship because she regurgitates it back to me at the most appropriate times. I appreciate it and hate it at the same time because it's so much easier to have compassion for others. Heather, thanks for not-so-gently forcing me to have it for myself when that's what is so needed at the time.

Her.

If you could just see her for what she is. She knows she isn't perfect. She also knows she's pretty great. All she has to offer is who she is and what she's learned. She overthinks. She overreacts. She overcompensates. She overshares. Sometimes she tries too hard. She's quick to point out her flaws, but that's partially because deep down she doesn't think they're that bad. She will look past yours. She's been burned a time or two, but she still believes. She's caring, protective and nurturing. Until she's called off, she won't give up until there's nothing left to hope for. She makes friends with ease but doesn't let herself get too close. She's tough but delicate and breakable at the same time. To see under her can-take-on-the-world exterior is not something that is shared with many so if you get that opportunity, cherish it. She believes in second chances but her trust does not come easily. She is giving and so doesn't know how to be taken care of. She sees beauty in things others can't or won't. She helps others see that for themselves. She knows joy and peace and fulfillment.

She has the ability to add to your life, and while that's a little scary its totally worth it.

For you

After an unexpected turn for the worse for our beloved Lori, we had to say our goodbyes and let her go tonight. Just one week ago she was completely ok. Seven days ago she woke up, stopped by a friend's house to hang out, and was out playing bingo with friends. Seven days. She was fine and poof a week later, gone.

For friends who have found yourself in and out of my life, even for a brief moment, know that I am grateful for you. For those of you who chose to be in my life, or didn't specifically choose not to be, know I am grateful. Whether we shared adolescent moments together or have shared hours recently, know I am grateful for you. The fabric of my very being is woven together by the threads of those who love me and who I love. Everything that each of us are is a representation of everyone we've ever known.

I make an attempt to never leave those I care about without telling them how I feel. Losing yet another friend way way way too soon has driven home the point that this is a good idea one more time. Life is too short to wonder if they know. Tell them. It can all be taken away as quick as you can blink your eyes.

Lori McKenzie, a police officer, friend, sister, daughter, surrogate mother, golf-partner, partner-in-crime, Aggie (ugh, Lori, but we love you anyway), and just kick-butt woman, left us today. While we are so deeply heartbroken to lose her, we are also thankful to have had her in our world and to have shared the moments we got to share. "Night Pookie, Smoochies!" RIP, my friend.

Can you press pause please?

As I sit here, I hear the Dude and mini-me in mini-me's bedroom, with the door closed, talking like two friends. And they are. Friends, I mean. I can't tell you how proud that makes me. I used to sit outside their rooms while they were playing as little bitty kids listening to their very elaborate conversations and loved how close they were. They always have been though. So much in love with each other, since the moment Hunter laid eyes on Ivey. Growing up with a gentle, loving brother, how could she do anything but love him and want to be friends? She didn't. So they are.

Now I realize that my days are numbered where I hear this every single day. Don't get me wrong, I have always been aware of this and every step of the way have appreciated the individual minutes and seconds that created the memories that I will forever cherish. But I seriously want a pause button. I actually want to rewind and have the Sunday mornings where both pickles crawl into bed with us and snuggle their cold toes between us and I want to have to read them "just one more" book before I can turn out the light, I want to get them a glass of water before they can go to sleep and I want to hide Easter eggs. I want to hear their infant belly laughs again for the very first time and I want to walk them to kindergarten one more time. I want to always have the chance to tell them every morning to have a good day and that I love them and not to beat anyone up. I want to sit through hours worth of football, baseball, softball, cheerleading, soccer, basketball, kickball, dance routines that never end and band competitions. I want more days like today and I want to not realize that in next month (gulp!) that Hunt will be graduating from high school and moving on to bigger and better things.

I realize the point of all this work was so that they would grow up into the exact amazing people they have, but I'm not quite ready yet. I know this is selfish and I own that. I know they are ready for their lives and I am ready for them to have them on one hand. I am ready to see where their journeys lead them and of course in many years, grandkids! I understand that they are ready and that's exactly how it should be, but could someone please hit the pause button for a little while longer? Please and thank you.

So there.

Today we attended the funeral service for a sweet friend who died way too early. Exactly how she died has still not been pinpointed and until that happens, we will all have unanswered questions. We had an annual girls' trip scheduled for months and it is finally here this weekend, and Chelle was scheduled to be there. We will no doubt laugh lots about her (mostly at her expense) and she provided us lots of ammunition.  Her death and Bobby Godbee's, too, has made me think lots of mortality and exactly what it means. Both of their deaths have had huge impacts. My best friend commented that this is the reason she doesn't get close to people, because when they are gone it hurts too bad. Having known people that have died and everyone sort of scratched their heads and said, "Oh, that sucks", but really without any feelings, I've realized a couple of things.  Living your life in such a way to grow deep, fat roots in your world, community, family, etc. is the right thing to do. It has significant impact in how satisfying of a life you live because it's what it means to be actively living your life and when you are gone, yes, they will mourn deeply, but will also keep the roots planted under their feet. Their roots are now grown in and through and around yours and even though your flowers no longer grow,  their flowers can use your roots as well as their own, and will grow even more beautiful than would be possible for either of you alone and so you live on through them. To see the gaping holes left by Michelle and Bobby makes it clear they both did something very very right.

I've been surprised in the past few days how petty people can be. (disclaimer: if you are reading this thinking I am talking about you, this has been a theme that I have witnessed for a couple of weeks and have seen it in every setting in my life, so rest assured you are not targeted alone--but, if the shoe fits...) Some people have real problems. Cancer, their children dying, brain bleeds, homelessness, and a whole litany of other awful things I could go on about only to depress us both. Whether or not someone said something in a way that hurt your feelings, whether you're inconvenienced by something, or have a (in the grand scheme of things) small problem really doesn't matter. Get the chip off your shoulder, quit whining and being a drama queen and think of someone other than yourself. Things don't always go as expected. That doesn't mean they aren't perfect exactly the way they are, and exactly the way they aren't. Expect the best in people, forgive quickly and for goodness sake, let it go. It's in your best interest and theirs, too. Especially in light of the fact that our days are finite and we must make the best of what we have.

Be there.

Yesterday our Executive Director, Carol (my boss) came in and sat in my office and after we chit-chatted for a while, she got up to leave and before she left said "I'm glad you work here, Erika". Not such a big deal to her, I'm sure, and maybe wouldn't have been to me usually, either, but after the week I've had, it was meaningful to me and it got me thinking.


Two families have been left with huge gaping holes this week. One from a 24 year old man who was a son, father, brother, and full-of-life funny guy who made a fatal mistake with a bad choice. Another from a 43 year old woman who was also full-of-life funny who simply didn't wake up this morning. Both were here one day and completely fine, healthy, nothing wrong, making plans and living their lives and poof! gone the next.

Let those you love know how you feel. Love them with everything you have. Give way too many hugs, tell them one too many times that you love them and spend any chance you get with them. Don't waste any precious time on people or things that aren't good for you, either mentally, physically or otherwise. Make the most of your every day and fill your time with things that matter. Let the things that don't go quickly.

What if?

What if you knew now that a week (or month, or year, etc.) from now everything you are currently worrying over would somehow work itself out only to be a vague memory? Would you rest easier tonight? Would you enjoy the present just a bit more?

What if you never get that amazing new ____? Does it make you less of a man/woman/parent/friend?

What if you never get to say I love you to them again?

What if you never do lose that 10 (ok, 20, 30+) pounds from college, post-baby, or just plain old chocolate enjoyment? Are you healthy and comfortable in your skin?

What if you stopped to notice all the things you do have, instead of the things you don't?

What if as part of all the disfunction you see, and all the not right in your world, everything's absolutely perfect, exactly the way it is, and in all the ways it isn't?

Look around. What if this is exactly what happily ever after really looks like?

every kid should have a dog.

I will give you a little warning - what you are about to read might make you gag. I might get a little mushy over a four-legged friend. While I am not apologizing for this, I do recognize some people are not interested. Be my guest, but don't say you weren't warned.

We adopted Ginger the big redboned coonhound after Hunter read Where the Red Fern Grows in 4th or 5th grade. He found her on petfinder.org at a pound in Euless. He bugged me about it for about two weeks, and I was sure she wouldn't still be available when we got there. Well, she was. She was brilliant in executing what appeared to be a well-rehearsed take-me-home-with-you-routine complete with the happiest of tail-wagging and her signature howl that we grew to love so very much. Ivey's friend, Susan, was with us when we went to pick her up. Ginger climbed in the back seat and layed across all three kids the entire way home. It was so obvious she was so appreciative to us for having her.  She actually showed her thankfulness to us, in ways I can't explain, but we all knew it. For several months after we got her, I was scared to take her out because I was sure that whoever she had belonged to would see her and want her back. I am still sure that it was an accident that she had ended up at the pound. She was so perfect for our family. She was the kind of dog for us that will forever be the dog we use as a gauge for coolness of other dogs.

She was not, however, without quirks. She ate poop and not only did she eat poop, she preferred her snacks warm. This was always particularly disgusting while dining al fresca when she'd decide it was her dinner time as well. She also, for reasons still unclear to me at this point, had weird ways to attempt to show her dominance. When Ivey began to go through puberty, she pooped in Ivey's shoe. While incredibly impressed with her accuracy, this still puzzled us.

She got pneumonia at an old age, and fought back and pulled through it. She had cancer removed (and some cancer that wasn't removed) several years ago. Ginger saw Hunter and Ivey through being 8 and 10 years old to almost 16 and 18. Through puberty, boyfriends, girlfriends, elementary school, middle school, and now high school, little league football games, softball games, a move, lots of family vacations and a divorce.  She stole a very nice thick steak from a neighbor's grill once (came walking back into the backyard where Brumley and I were doing yardwork carrying this humongous steak in her mouth proud as could be), caused the great Llama Drama of 2008 along with her BFF Paris and spent a night with the NRH police in lockdown.

As she's gotten older and more weary, she's lost her ability to hear (anything at all and not just selectively being stubborn), was much like a cranky old woman. She did what she wanted and when she wanted. And we loved her for it. She has been a member of our family and can be found in our family photos. We put her to sleep last night, while I held her paw, and kissed her nose. It was peaceful and I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to share our house with her and to have been able to be there with her when she left this earth.

Here's a little story...

If I hear one more person say something along the lines of -- welfare doesn't work, it's causing the downfall of our country-- I think I will scream. It's not that I think the system we currently have is 100% perfect. I'm not stupid. I get the flaws and I can't say what the answer to fixing them is. But there are also lots of positive things about the bum, bum, bum "system". Indulge me. Let me explain...

What you are about to read is not something I'm proud of and please know it is hard for me to share. For the past few weeks, it has been bubbling that I need to. That I have an obligation to the kids who are in the same place as we were to share this with others. Even people I'd rather not have this very personal information, the ammunition to think differently of us, to judge. I got pregnant at the ripe old age of sixteen (yes, one six). My boyfriend and I had been together since we were in middle school and although we had talked about having children (far, far in the future, after high school, after college and after, well, you get the point), we absolutely weren't prepared in any way for what we were about to do. That didn't change the fact that we loved each other, the baby we were about to bring into the world and were committed to giving our everything to.  We were given a place to live by Josh's parents, while mine helped us with a car, and every day things we simply couldn't afford. As part of the teen parenting program at Midlothian High School, we were signed up for WIC, and any other assistance programs we qualified for. I was still on my mother's health insurance so we didn't need assistance with that (at that time). Now, what I will tell you is the face of these two children, the boy, worked at a grocery store and while immature and silly, was brilliant, committed to working hard and providing for his family-and absolutely hated school. She worked at Walmart up until she couldn't stand up anymore for that long at a time (about a week or so before delivery), she got good grades and was stubborn about finishing her education. Both were involved in school activities, athletics, advanced classes, both had lots of friends.

I do have to point out that there was a huge part of this that was positive and was solely because our parents (all of them), some of our teachers, and some other very special people along the way took pity, or saw something that perhaps neither of us did at the time and lent a hand, or two, often times I imagine, without us knowing it. Government grants, assistance and lots of support from those around us were absolutely critical, even as committed and focused on education as I was, for it to have been possible. One small misstep could have changed the course we were on, and should have many, many times. The difference between us and the statistics (lots of other people in the same situation) is that we had a strong strong safety net who didn't allow us to fail.  I think we do deserve some credit for working hard but not nearly as much as the strength of that safety net.  Off and on throughout the next few years (and by few I mean at least 10 or so), we had help from various sources, mostly parents that will never be able to be repaid financially for that support. I believe we four have learned strength and that we must give back, so we take that seriously. Josh and I did get married, had Ivey two and a half years later, at the much-older and wiser ages of 19. We were good parents, had a beautiful family but made lots of mistakes along the way, perhaps more than our fair share because we were so young and ignorant, but somehow these two kids have turned out amazing. Maybe because of the missteps they survived. The old saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" -- Hunter and Ivey have earned their STRONG. Even still, I don't think anyone who knows or knew us would look at us, our family, or even the outcome and where we stand today--divorce and all-- and describe us as failures, lazy, a drain on the system, and all the other awful things I hear about "those people".  Throughout our lives, we have at one point been on Medicaid, food stamps, WIC, had housing help, daycare assistance and at other times qualified for those things but for one reason or another (too proud?) didn't accept them.

So-- the next time you think of "those people" who you don't want to pay for, think of someone different. Think of someone who works hard, gives back when they can, teaches others how and why to do the same, and uses the assistance to make a better life for themselves, their families and even their community. Not everyone gets to point B from point A, and does it in the same way. That doesn't mean it's wrong. And it doesn't mean it's right, either. For goodness sake, have some compassion. Someday, it might just be you who needs a hand for a minute.

The End of that.

It's been a while since I have blogged about being single, but I have had a few people in the past couple of weeks inquire, like really intrusively inquire, almost grilling about how we are all doing. Part of it is they want to know what's going on. For any of you who might be the same -- here's the checklist: I've dated but am not currently and don't see that changing any time soon (because that's not what I am up to right now). Josh is dating and seems happy, although he shares zero details with me. Hunter is preparing to become a high school graduate and is not dating anyone and Ivey is becoming quite her own person and is not dating either. It's exciting and scary and I know everyone gets sick of me saying how proud I am of both of them, but they really are two of the most spectacular human beings I know and I am honestly quite honored to be able to say I am related to them. I absolutely love it when people mistakenly (and I usually allow them!) assume that it must have something to do with spectacular parenting.

While I can't say I am happy Josh and I got a divorce or that my life at this point is better than it was when our marriage was good, I am not sorry it happened. My kids handled everything spectacular. I hate that they have had to learn and experience the lessons they have undoubtedly learned because of their "broken home" (gag, what a truly awful term). At the same time, I think, in usual Hunter and Ivey fashion, they have taken the past year's worth of experiences and learned from them and tucked things under their own hats-filed away for future reference so they perhaps won't have to make the same mistakes as their parentals have. Maybe that's my own wishful thinking so they don't have to experience the muck, but I do also hope they experienced it at the same time in a sick, guilty way. As much as we tried to shelter them and keep things friendly, and I think we really did, I also believe with all great adversity comes the only real growth. I hope they snatched that part of it up and will run with it when the time comes and use it to their benefit.

Now, Josh and I are still friends. During the holidays, we spent time together and a part. It wasn't great, it wasn't awful. It just was. There was no drama, no particular stress. There was no swallowed anger, it was just fine. We both separately enjoyed the kids in the way only we do, and spent time with those we love in our ways. We spent time with our families and ate, and drank and played games and laughed and really experienced the love that surrounded us. I didn't feel like anything was missing and I felt complete. The one thing I did realize is the lack of exhaustion from fighting. Not fighting with each other, but with the inevitable that I was working hard to keep together something that should have been let go of a very long time ago. I never realized how exhausting it was until it wasn't anymore.

So, there you have it. Things are peaceful. Our house is harmonious and although that definitely does not mean quiet, is comfortable and easy. And for the next very short few months that I can be sure both of my kids are still under my roof, I am going to continue enjoying the heck out of them, having dance parties in the living room during the middle of dinner, appreciating inappropriate behavior that I should be disgusted with and well, just being their proud proud mom. Oh, and enjoying that bathroom that is c-l-o-s-e to being done! Finally.