wiggling down and getting used to it...

I am slowly starting to get used to it. Not picking up the phone and calling Josh at every exciting (read: sad, happy, scary, funny, etc., etc.) piece of news, not calling Josh when I need someone to listen or make me understand why I am overreacting, and the list goes on and on.

The kids are doing brilliantly. Really. It's weird, actually. I keep asking them how they are doing and if they want to "talk to someone" - unequivocally no. But still, I watch, and they aren't mad, or sad or even acting much different at all. Hunter talks a little more, maybe because I am more available? :( Ivey talks alot-still :).

Josh and I are getting along fine. It's hard to do that because everyone wants us to be angry, at least a little. I still love him and want the absolute best for him and hope things always go his way.

Now - I am getting used to a few things -
not having to compromise about anything. Reverting to early years as an only child, I am so getting used to this!?!

My toilet seat stays put. I like that. Alot. :)

I never ever turn on the tv when the kids aren't home. I am getting used to the quiet and it's gotten comfortable.

I have really committed to being healthy. I don't want to eat or drink or whatever else my way through this. I am committed to experiencing the feelings, all of them, as they come up so that they won't come back around later at a less appropriate time. Because of this, I have recognized one way to do this is to work out really hard every night. Aside from wearing me out so I sleep good, the endorphines make me not feel crappy. Not too shabby. Eventually it has to start helping on the outside, too, I would guess, which would definitely not suck. Now, if this weird knee thing would go away, I'd be a happy camper. (I see the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow).

We are managing just fine and I appreciate your love, attention, kind thoughts, concern, and everything in between both now and for what the future holds. (a 3 mile run or a glass (or two) of red wine makes most everything cheerier!) I really like me and know that there is something really amazing just around the corner. Until then, though, right where I'm at isn't too shabby and is exactly where I'm supposed to be!