The NEW new normal.

I am not crying out for help or support or anything like that. I promised a few people I would blog about things going through the divorce. I guess if someone stumbles across it when they are in the same place, and it gives them some comfort that someone else has messy days, so be it. So--here's to you. Its been a while because things have been good. But something about three deaths in a couple months and Hunter's upcoming graduation (please don't think I'm dramatic enough to equate the two as the same, but his leaving has been emotional for me, too) and probably some sort of shifting of the universe, I would guess has caused me some steps back. I don't know quite how to express it either. Not like I'm pining for Brumley or my marriage or wishing we were back together or even wishing I was with anyone, (in fact I am actually feeling anti-interested in any type of a relationship right now) but more struggling with my anger at the fact that it wasn't supposed to be like this right now. I'm overwhelmed all of a sudden when for the last year and a half almost its been a challenge but I've been up for it. I feel inadequate at times and pissed off and sorry for myself and for the first time lonely. I have more friends than ever and interested cool guys, but I just can't seem to get out of the mollasses. I'm struggling with resentment that I've made things peachy for others, and I'm not sorry, but now I'm just supposed to be OK when everything's changing. I realize its irrational and stupid and all that and feeling angry now is not reasonable. But I am.

The new normal that we have in our lives has just gotten reasonable and ok, I'll admit it--comfortable and I who have never even once had any angst about or resisted change is feeling anxious and just stressed about it all changing again and creating a NEW new normal. Ivey and I are about to be empty nesters--at least for a little while and then it'll all change again.

I know it will pass. I know it will lead the way to things that are yet to be imagined and things I have yet to even know I'd want. I know things will be great and I know I am fortunate to be where I am. Exactly the way it is and exactly the way it isn't. I have a dear friend who told me the sun will still come up tomorrow and nothing I do or don't do will change that. (thanks, JR!), and another good friend who I know listens to me when I give her "advice" laced loosely in my friendship because she regurgitates it back to me at the most appropriate times. I appreciate it and hate it at the same time because it's so much easier to have compassion for others. Heather, thanks for not-so-gently forcing me to have it for myself when that's what is so needed at the time.

Her.

If you could just see her for what she is. She knows she isn't perfect. She also knows she's pretty great. All she has to offer is who she is and what she's learned. She overthinks. She overreacts. She overcompensates. She overshares. Sometimes she tries too hard. She's quick to point out her flaws, but that's partially because deep down she doesn't think they're that bad. She will look past yours. She's been burned a time or two, but she still believes. She's caring, protective and nurturing. Until she's called off, she won't give up until there's nothing left to hope for. She makes friends with ease but doesn't let herself get too close. She's tough but delicate and breakable at the same time. To see under her can-take-on-the-world exterior is not something that is shared with many so if you get that opportunity, cherish it. She believes in second chances but her trust does not come easily. She is giving and so doesn't know how to be taken care of. She sees beauty in things others can't or won't. She helps others see that for themselves. She knows joy and peace and fulfillment.

She has the ability to add to your life, and while that's a little scary its totally worth it.

For you

After an unexpected turn for the worse for our beloved Lori, we had to say our goodbyes and let her go tonight. Just one week ago she was completely ok. Seven days ago she woke up, stopped by a friend's house to hang out, and was out playing bingo with friends. Seven days. She was fine and poof a week later, gone.

For friends who have found yourself in and out of my life, even for a brief moment, know that I am grateful for you. For those of you who chose to be in my life, or didn't specifically choose not to be, know I am grateful. Whether we shared adolescent moments together or have shared hours recently, know I am grateful for you. The fabric of my very being is woven together by the threads of those who love me and who I love. Everything that each of us are is a representation of everyone we've ever known.

I make an attempt to never leave those I care about without telling them how I feel. Losing yet another friend way way way too soon has driven home the point that this is a good idea one more time. Life is too short to wonder if they know. Tell them. It can all be taken away as quick as you can blink your eyes.

Lori McKenzie, a police officer, friend, sister, daughter, surrogate mother, golf-partner, partner-in-crime, Aggie (ugh, Lori, but we love you anyway), and just kick-butt woman, left us today. While we are so deeply heartbroken to lose her, we are also thankful to have had her in our world and to have shared the moments we got to share. "Night Pookie, Smoochies!" RIP, my friend.