regular ol' Friday night at my house now

I've had a bit of a bad couple of days. I guess it's to be expected, but I still don't (expect it) and that sort of pisses me off--to be caught off guard by feelings. It's been going so well for weeks. Bleh!

It's really strange to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that beautiful things are in store for me, and that there is an awful lot of growing, retooling and all that cool stuff happening to me that we don't "allow" to happen when we know who we are and where we're going. Today a coworker was talking about friends of hers who quit their jobs and sold their houses and cars and moved to Turkey. Josh and I had had serious conversations about doing that (although our plan wasn't Istanbul, it was Peru, or S.Africa or somewhere else entirely that I haven't even considered). I still want to, and I may. My goals, dreams, aspirations haven't changed, it's just that the vehicle and my partner are missing. I am still committed to making the world a better place, not only for me and my loved ones, but those who have no one to make it a better place for them. And you.

I have grown to love the sound of the quiet house. Alone is so not me. I kind of find it spiritual, though. It's healing to let things be (nice, huh, since I have no control anyway???) and yet down in my gut I get that things will be good, very good in the future. Just a part of me wants to know what, and how, when and of course WHO, if there is a who in this future. At this point that is irrelevant to me, but I am still curious.

My room looks amazing. It is still missing a few things (obviously), but I love the way it's coming together and am so loving it. Thank you so much Heather, Mom, Jack, Brooke, Matty, Ivey and Hunter. I owe you all big, and I totally know that. I have a big hole in my backyard...this summer come have a partyfest with it, nothing would make me happier!

I know a few of you at least are reading this, because people keep mentioning it to me. Leave me some love, I need the positive reinforcement. :) You never know, you could help make a single mom some money someday.

wiggling down and getting used to it...

I am slowly starting to get used to it. Not picking up the phone and calling Josh at every exciting (read: sad, happy, scary, funny, etc., etc.) piece of news, not calling Josh when I need someone to listen or make me understand why I am overreacting, and the list goes on and on.

The kids are doing brilliantly. Really. It's weird, actually. I keep asking them how they are doing and if they want to "talk to someone" - unequivocally no. But still, I watch, and they aren't mad, or sad or even acting much different at all. Hunter talks a little more, maybe because I am more available? :( Ivey talks alot-still :).

Josh and I are getting along fine. It's hard to do that because everyone wants us to be angry, at least a little. I still love him and want the absolute best for him and hope things always go his way.

Now - I am getting used to a few things -
not having to compromise about anything. Reverting to early years as an only child, I am so getting used to this!?!

My toilet seat stays put. I like that. Alot. :)

I never ever turn on the tv when the kids aren't home. I am getting used to the quiet and it's gotten comfortable.

I have really committed to being healthy. I don't want to eat or drink or whatever else my way through this. I am committed to experiencing the feelings, all of them, as they come up so that they won't come back around later at a less appropriate time. Because of this, I have recognized one way to do this is to work out really hard every night. Aside from wearing me out so I sleep good, the endorphines make me not feel crappy. Not too shabby. Eventually it has to start helping on the outside, too, I would guess, which would definitely not suck. Now, if this weird knee thing would go away, I'd be a happy camper. (I see the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow).

We are managing just fine and I appreciate your love, attention, kind thoughts, concern, and everything in between both now and for what the future holds. (a 3 mile run or a glass (or two) of red wine makes most everything cheerier!) I really like me and know that there is something really amazing just around the corner. Until then, though, right where I'm at isn't too shabby and is exactly where I'm supposed to be!