Boring update - almost no mush this time.

I have been working the new job-- as a wedding and event coordinator at the Bell Tower in Fort Worth. The Bell Tower is run and operated by ACH (formerly All Church Home). The property it sits on used to be the Masonic Children's Home near the Polytechnic area of FW that was closed down several years ago. A family bought it and donated it to ACH and they are renovating it building by building. The Bell Tower Chapel was renovated first as a revenue generator for their programs and there are several coordinators, me being one. I absolutely love it. It is super hard work and can be very stressful, but is also amazing and fun. It is a lot less hours than HD, mostly just Saturdays and/or Sundays, so I am off all nights during the week, which is great. I actually get to see the kids! I am quite aware often of how fortunate I am to have a job I absolutely love going to every day with people I love working with every day. And now to have two very different jobs that I really enjoy seems somehow unfair, but I'm not giving either back.

Hunter has quit his job at Sonic - he is going on an adventure. I am not sure at all what that means, but love it for him, so long as his car insurance continues to be paid on time. :) Speaking of that - he was putting his shoes on while driving the stick shift and somehow the lady in front of him stopped at the light rammed her rear bumper right into his front bumper - tragic. So, if you see Hunter walking about town, honk and wave, please.

Ivey has quit working at NRH20. She is looking for another job, but since she's only 15, is having a hard time. I am not sad she can't find a job, but she is.

Things are going well otherwise, the divorce will be finalized in the next few weeks, which is exciting. It will be nice to have all of it behind us. Since Heather's divorce will be finalized around the same time we are planning a double ceremony and will be trying to get our court dates and times together.

I still have to say I am in awe every day of the amazing friends and family I have. I am not sure what I have ever done to deserve it, but the people that choose to be in my life have shown me over and over again how much they love me and why. I can't thank you all enough.

PS - I don't have to work Saturday or Sunday this week! Shenanigans o'plenty!

Some things I have learned

Live for today. Yesterday is already gone, and tomorrow may never come.
All people are scared. Scared you will see them for the vulnerable human being they are. They are not any different from you, except we all have varying ways of faking it.
The unconditional love of those around you is worth more money than I will ever have.
Some times you just gotta smile. Eventually you will either cry and get it out, or it will slip your mind and you will forget it. Either way, it's over. Smile. Sometimes it changes everything. For you and someone else.
Anyone can be a father or mother. It takes someone special to be a daddy or a mommy.
Good people come in all different shapes, sizes, colors. Bad people do too.
Sometimes the person you most need to depend on is the person who is least able to be there. It's not that they don't want to, it's just not possible for them right now.
Try not to hold a grudge. It is worse for you than it is for the person you are mad at.
Appreciate what you get. and be thankful for what you don't.
There are times when there is no other answer besides laughing. It's not always appropriate, but do it anyway.
Make those around you feel special. As often as you can. In whatever way you can. It's what makes the world go around.

When I'm gone, I want to be all used up without one single drop of anything left.

mushy, even for me...

So lately things have been crazy wild strange. Hunter, Ivey and I are all three working and it's weird. To think that Hunter is now a senior, Ivey is a sophomore, and I'm, ummmmm, well older now is a weird, weird thing.

I have been working a lot, and have just gotten a new job, but the official offer hasn't happened, so more details about that later. It's an ironic job, really, given my life, but oh well! I worked all Memorial Day weekend, with the exception of Memorial Day itself. I spent what I thought was going to be a relaxing day by the pool playing some beast-mode volleyball against the most wonderful family and friends. At some point I looked around and seriously almost cried. The smells, the sounds, the feelings it was all craziness. Poppy was cooking on the grill, kids were laughing, people were splashing, the dogs tails were wagging, the sun was beaming down, we were playing volleyball and everything was good in the world. The exact right people were there. (If you weren't in attendance, please don't read anything into that like I don't love you as much, was glad you weren't there, or anything like that. It's just that at that particular time, the people who were there all made my heart melt and I was happy for what was, not what wasn't.)

If you were there, thank you. Thank you for coming and sharing a really fantastic terrific day with me. Thank you for cooking, thank you for playing along and thank you for coming. I really am happy every single one of you were there.

P.S. Gina, Hunt, and Taylor....we kicked their butts, and we will do it again!!! Mother and Someone's son team ROCKED!!!

Rick - that BBQ sauce was good....again tonight! :)

Samantha - that kid is wicked cool. That's not a coincidence.

Brandal - you can bring that girlfriend of yours and that kid of hers anytime you'd like. HA! Just kidding...you know I love you more than my luggage.

Feesh - I fell more in love with you for my BFF yesterday, if that was possible. No, but for real.

BFF - guacamole - need I say more. OK, I love you more than just for your cooking. Sort of.

Mimi, Ivey and Matt - I have no words for you. Seriously. You rock my world anyway.

Happy Mother's Day

To the abundance of wonderful, strong, powerful women who surround me, thank you. Thank you for not shrinking to avoid making others feel insecure. Thank you for calling me on my crap. Thank you for pushing me to be the me I am. Thank you for showing my children it is possible to be both gentle and strong beyond belief at the exact same time. Thank you for the limbs to lean on and roots to stand firm (thanks Heather for that one!).

To the men in our world who have allowed all of us to be us, thank you. I think it almost takes more power to allow a strong woman to be than not. This includes husbands, sons, fathers, daddys, soon-to-be-ex-husbands, friends, brothers, brothers-in-law, flip-flop shopping partners, boyfriends of those we love, and all the others I may have forgotten.

Thank you for laughing till we cry (and maybe pee in pants), uncountable glasses of wine, phone calls for nothing but support and reassurance yet again, that everything will be alright, crazy-loud-offkey-duets in the car, swimming with the not-for-company-swimsuit-and-pretending-not-to-notice, Saturday morning garage sales with breakfast/lunch afterwards, poker games, flipping on the kids excercise ball onto the couch, yoga with extra loving included, and everything in between.

Whether or not your Mother is with you this Mother's Day, take a moment and appreciate who she is or who she was-for you and for the world. Recognize that you could not be who you are without her, no matter what your relationship looked or looks like. No matter what or no matter hard it is to understand. She is the only person who can be what she is or was for you. Smile and be grateful. I know I am.

exciting, new stuff!

It is spring time, quite possibly my favorite time of the year. You never know what you will get. Will the flowers that have been a beautiful part of our summers every year find their way out again and bloom? Will we have a Texas-monsoon and mess all that up? Getting the trees all trimmed so they can grow into their new thick green summer selves, cutting the grass (This one will get old quickly for me, but for now I love it!), getting the pool ready to dive into....I just love it all.

Things are no different inside here though. We took Hunter to a college visit in Florida. Yes, I said Florida, and I even said it without a tear or even a sniffle. Somehow things have evolved so much that I am seeing this as a wonderful opportunity for him and the next stage in his life. I can't wait to see what he does with himself. Hunt, the ball is coming in low and slow, take it or foul it off and get another - your choice, Dude. What I do know - if he does in fact go to Full Sail, he will be in a perfect place for him, surrounded by others who share the same passion and are willing to do the hard work to make that happen. It is ridiculously expensive, more so than a traditional four-year college (even many private colleges), but if this is where he has made up his mind, and I totally see why, I couldn't be happier! He is getting ready to bloom and I can't wait to see what will happen.

Ivey is doing the same thing, but in very different ways. She is just as excited about Hunter's adventures as he is (I think perhaps more so actually), and this is just exactly as it has always been. She would get so excited when he started anything new (school year, baseball season, football team, soccer, riding a bike, etc.) and the reason (I think) is that she has vision and wants him to do well so she can see how it's supposed to be done. So far he hasn't let her down. She has taken his experiences and followed some of them exactly and some of them she has made her own and those are the ones that she rocks at. But make no mistake, they are his experiences, with a little (ok, a whole lotta) Ivey sprinkled in that makes them so great.

Divorce is getting filed this week hopefully. Hunter and Ivey and I drove to Florida for the college tour. Josh was there already for work. We spent the time there together as a family and it was remarkable. We had a great time, and even though it was obviously different, I think it was perfect. We then spent 17 hours in the car driving home together (Josh drove home with us). I don't know about you, but I don't know of a single other divorcing couple that could do that. We actually had a good time, too. I want that out in the world. We are fine. All of us individually. All of us collectively, too. Thank you for your support. Thank you to friends for helping us get through the ugly stuff and allowing us to do that out in the open. Thank you to new friends and/or friends we have yet to meet for helping to shape our futures.

Let the blooming begin!

regular ol' Friday night at my house now

I've had a bit of a bad couple of days. I guess it's to be expected, but I still don't (expect it) and that sort of pisses me off--to be caught off guard by feelings. It's been going so well for weeks. Bleh!

It's really strange to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that beautiful things are in store for me, and that there is an awful lot of growing, retooling and all that cool stuff happening to me that we don't "allow" to happen when we know who we are and where we're going. Today a coworker was talking about friends of hers who quit their jobs and sold their houses and cars and moved to Turkey. Josh and I had had serious conversations about doing that (although our plan wasn't Istanbul, it was Peru, or S.Africa or somewhere else entirely that I haven't even considered). I still want to, and I may. My goals, dreams, aspirations haven't changed, it's just that the vehicle and my partner are missing. I am still committed to making the world a better place, not only for me and my loved ones, but those who have no one to make it a better place for them. And you.

I have grown to love the sound of the quiet house. Alone is so not me. I kind of find it spiritual, though. It's healing to let things be (nice, huh, since I have no control anyway???) and yet down in my gut I get that things will be good, very good in the future. Just a part of me wants to know what, and how, when and of course WHO, if there is a who in this future. At this point that is irrelevant to me, but I am still curious.

My room looks amazing. It is still missing a few things (obviously), but I love the way it's coming together and am so loving it. Thank you so much Heather, Mom, Jack, Brooke, Matty, Ivey and Hunter. I owe you all big, and I totally know that. I have a big hole in my backyard...this summer come have a partyfest with it, nothing would make me happier!

I know a few of you at least are reading this, because people keep mentioning it to me. Leave me some love, I need the positive reinforcement. :) You never know, you could help make a single mom some money someday.

wiggling down and getting used to it...

I am slowly starting to get used to it. Not picking up the phone and calling Josh at every exciting (read: sad, happy, scary, funny, etc., etc.) piece of news, not calling Josh when I need someone to listen or make me understand why I am overreacting, and the list goes on and on.

The kids are doing brilliantly. Really. It's weird, actually. I keep asking them how they are doing and if they want to "talk to someone" - unequivocally no. But still, I watch, and they aren't mad, or sad or even acting much different at all. Hunter talks a little more, maybe because I am more available? :( Ivey talks alot-still :).

Josh and I are getting along fine. It's hard to do that because everyone wants us to be angry, at least a little. I still love him and want the absolute best for him and hope things always go his way.

Now - I am getting used to a few things -
not having to compromise about anything. Reverting to early years as an only child, I am so getting used to this!?!

My toilet seat stays put. I like that. Alot. :)

I never ever turn on the tv when the kids aren't home. I am getting used to the quiet and it's gotten comfortable.

I have really committed to being healthy. I don't want to eat or drink or whatever else my way through this. I am committed to experiencing the feelings, all of them, as they come up so that they won't come back around later at a less appropriate time. Because of this, I have recognized one way to do this is to work out really hard every night. Aside from wearing me out so I sleep good, the endorphines make me not feel crappy. Not too shabby. Eventually it has to start helping on the outside, too, I would guess, which would definitely not suck. Now, if this weird knee thing would go away, I'd be a happy camper. (I see the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow).

We are managing just fine and I appreciate your love, attention, kind thoughts, concern, and everything in between both now and for what the future holds. (a 3 mile run or a glass (or two) of red wine makes most everything cheerier!) I really like me and know that there is something really amazing just around the corner. Until then, though, right where I'm at isn't too shabby and is exactly where I'm supposed to be!