The NEW new normal.

I am not crying out for help or support or anything like that. I promised a few people I would blog about things going through the divorce. I guess if someone stumbles across it when they are in the same place, and it gives them some comfort that someone else has messy days, so be it. So--here's to you. Its been a while because things have been good. But something about three deaths in a couple months and Hunter's upcoming graduation (please don't think I'm dramatic enough to equate the two as the same, but his leaving has been emotional for me, too) and probably some sort of shifting of the universe, I would guess has caused me some steps back. I don't know quite how to express it either. Not like I'm pining for Brumley or my marriage or wishing we were back together or even wishing I was with anyone, (in fact I am actually feeling anti-interested in any type of a relationship right now) but more struggling with my anger at the fact that it wasn't supposed to be like this right now. I'm overwhelmed all of a sudden when for the last year and a half almost its been a challenge but I've been up for it. I feel inadequate at times and pissed off and sorry for myself and for the first time lonely. I have more friends than ever and interested cool guys, but I just can't seem to get out of the mollasses. I'm struggling with resentment that I've made things peachy for others, and I'm not sorry, but now I'm just supposed to be OK when everything's changing. I realize its irrational and stupid and all that and feeling angry now is not reasonable. But I am.

The new normal that we have in our lives has just gotten reasonable and ok, I'll admit it--comfortable and I who have never even once had any angst about or resisted change is feeling anxious and just stressed about it all changing again and creating a NEW new normal. Ivey and I are about to be empty nesters--at least for a little while and then it'll all change again.

I know it will pass. I know it will lead the way to things that are yet to be imagined and things I have yet to even know I'd want. I know things will be great and I know I am fortunate to be where I am. Exactly the way it is and exactly the way it isn't. I have a dear friend who told me the sun will still come up tomorrow and nothing I do or don't do will change that. (thanks, JR!), and another good friend who I know listens to me when I give her "advice" laced loosely in my friendship because she regurgitates it back to me at the most appropriate times. I appreciate it and hate it at the same time because it's so much easier to have compassion for others. Heather, thanks for not-so-gently forcing me to have it for myself when that's what is so needed at the time.

Her.

If you could just see her for what she is. She knows she isn't perfect. She also knows she's pretty great. All she has to offer is who she is and what she's learned. She overthinks. She overreacts. She overcompensates. She overshares. Sometimes she tries too hard. She's quick to point out her flaws, but that's partially because deep down she doesn't think they're that bad. She will look past yours. She's been burned a time or two, but she still believes. She's caring, protective and nurturing. Until she's called off, she won't give up until there's nothing left to hope for. She makes friends with ease but doesn't let herself get too close. She's tough but delicate and breakable at the same time. To see under her can-take-on-the-world exterior is not something that is shared with many so if you get that opportunity, cherish it. She believes in second chances but her trust does not come easily. She is giving and so doesn't know how to be taken care of. She sees beauty in things others can't or won't. She helps others see that for themselves. She knows joy and peace and fulfillment.

She has the ability to add to your life, and while that's a little scary its totally worth it.

For you

After an unexpected turn for the worse for our beloved Lori, we had to say our goodbyes and let her go tonight. Just one week ago she was completely ok. Seven days ago she woke up, stopped by a friend's house to hang out, and was out playing bingo with friends. Seven days. She was fine and poof a week later, gone.

For friends who have found yourself in and out of my life, even for a brief moment, know that I am grateful for you. For those of you who chose to be in my life, or didn't specifically choose not to be, know I am grateful. Whether we shared adolescent moments together or have shared hours recently, know I am grateful for you. The fabric of my very being is woven together by the threads of those who love me and who I love. Everything that each of us are is a representation of everyone we've ever known.

I make an attempt to never leave those I care about without telling them how I feel. Losing yet another friend way way way too soon has driven home the point that this is a good idea one more time. Life is too short to wonder if they know. Tell them. It can all be taken away as quick as you can blink your eyes.

Lori McKenzie, a police officer, friend, sister, daughter, surrogate mother, golf-partner, partner-in-crime, Aggie (ugh, Lori, but we love you anyway), and just kick-butt woman, left us today. While we are so deeply heartbroken to lose her, we are also thankful to have had her in our world and to have shared the moments we got to share. "Night Pookie, Smoochies!" RIP, my friend.

Can you press pause please?

As I sit here, I hear the Dude and mini-me in mini-me's bedroom, with the door closed, talking like two friends. And they are. Friends, I mean. I can't tell you how proud that makes me. I used to sit outside their rooms while they were playing as little bitty kids listening to their very elaborate conversations and loved how close they were. They always have been though. So much in love with each other, since the moment Hunter laid eyes on Ivey. Growing up with a gentle, loving brother, how could she do anything but love him and want to be friends? She didn't. So they are.

Now I realize that my days are numbered where I hear this every single day. Don't get me wrong, I have always been aware of this and every step of the way have appreciated the individual minutes and seconds that created the memories that I will forever cherish. But I seriously want a pause button. I actually want to rewind and have the Sunday mornings where both pickles crawl into bed with us and snuggle their cold toes between us and I want to have to read them "just one more" book before I can turn out the light, I want to get them a glass of water before they can go to sleep and I want to hide Easter eggs. I want to hear their infant belly laughs again for the very first time and I want to walk them to kindergarten one more time. I want to always have the chance to tell them every morning to have a good day and that I love them and not to beat anyone up. I want to sit through hours worth of football, baseball, softball, cheerleading, soccer, basketball, kickball, dance routines that never end and band competitions. I want more days like today and I want to not realize that in next month (gulp!) that Hunt will be graduating from high school and moving on to bigger and better things.

I realize the point of all this work was so that they would grow up into the exact amazing people they have, but I'm not quite ready yet. I know this is selfish and I own that. I know they are ready for their lives and I am ready for them to have them on one hand. I am ready to see where their journeys lead them and of course in many years, grandkids! I understand that they are ready and that's exactly how it should be, but could someone please hit the pause button for a little while longer? Please and thank you.

So there.

Today we attended the funeral service for a sweet friend who died way too early. Exactly how she died has still not been pinpointed and until that happens, we will all have unanswered questions. We had an annual girls' trip scheduled for months and it is finally here this weekend, and Chelle was scheduled to be there. We will no doubt laugh lots about her (mostly at her expense) and she provided us lots of ammunition.  Her death and Bobby Godbee's, too, has made me think lots of mortality and exactly what it means. Both of their deaths have had huge impacts. My best friend commented that this is the reason she doesn't get close to people, because when they are gone it hurts too bad. Having known people that have died and everyone sort of scratched their heads and said, "Oh, that sucks", but really without any feelings, I've realized a couple of things.  Living your life in such a way to grow deep, fat roots in your world, community, family, etc. is the right thing to do. It has significant impact in how satisfying of a life you live because it's what it means to be actively living your life and when you are gone, yes, they will mourn deeply, but will also keep the roots planted under their feet. Their roots are now grown in and through and around yours and even though your flowers no longer grow,  their flowers can use your roots as well as their own, and will grow even more beautiful than would be possible for either of you alone and so you live on through them. To see the gaping holes left by Michelle and Bobby makes it clear they both did something very very right.

I've been surprised in the past few days how petty people can be. (disclaimer: if you are reading this thinking I am talking about you, this has been a theme that I have witnessed for a couple of weeks and have seen it in every setting in my life, so rest assured you are not targeted alone--but, if the shoe fits...) Some people have real problems. Cancer, their children dying, brain bleeds, homelessness, and a whole litany of other awful things I could go on about only to depress us both. Whether or not someone said something in a way that hurt your feelings, whether you're inconvenienced by something, or have a (in the grand scheme of things) small problem really doesn't matter. Get the chip off your shoulder, quit whining and being a drama queen and think of someone other than yourself. Things don't always go as expected. That doesn't mean they aren't perfect exactly the way they are, and exactly the way they aren't. Expect the best in people, forgive quickly and for goodness sake, let it go. It's in your best interest and theirs, too. Especially in light of the fact that our days are finite and we must make the best of what we have.

Be there.

Yesterday our Executive Director, Carol (my boss) came in and sat in my office and after we chit-chatted for a while, she got up to leave and before she left said "I'm glad you work here, Erika". Not such a big deal to her, I'm sure, and maybe wouldn't have been to me usually, either, but after the week I've had, it was meaningful to me and it got me thinking.


Two families have been left with huge gaping holes this week. One from a 24 year old man who was a son, father, brother, and full-of-life funny guy who made a fatal mistake with a bad choice. Another from a 43 year old woman who was also full-of-life funny who simply didn't wake up this morning. Both were here one day and completely fine, healthy, nothing wrong, making plans and living their lives and poof! gone the next.

Let those you love know how you feel. Love them with everything you have. Give way too many hugs, tell them one too many times that you love them and spend any chance you get with them. Don't waste any precious time on people or things that aren't good for you, either mentally, physically or otherwise. Make the most of your every day and fill your time with things that matter. Let the things that don't go quickly.

What if?

What if you knew now that a week (or month, or year, etc.) from now everything you are currently worrying over would somehow work itself out only to be a vague memory? Would you rest easier tonight? Would you enjoy the present just a bit more?

What if you never get that amazing new ____? Does it make you less of a man/woman/parent/friend?

What if you never get to say I love you to them again?

What if you never do lose that 10 (ok, 20, 30+) pounds from college, post-baby, or just plain old chocolate enjoyment? Are you healthy and comfortable in your skin?

What if you stopped to notice all the things you do have, instead of the things you don't?

What if as part of all the disfunction you see, and all the not right in your world, everything's absolutely perfect, exactly the way it is, and in all the ways it isn't?

Look around. What if this is exactly what happily ever after really looks like?