regular ol' Friday night at my house now

I've had a bit of a bad couple of days. I guess it's to be expected, but I still don't (expect it) and that sort of pisses me off--to be caught off guard by feelings. It's been going so well for weeks. Bleh!

It's really strange to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that beautiful things are in store for me, and that there is an awful lot of growing, retooling and all that cool stuff happening to me that we don't "allow" to happen when we know who we are and where we're going. Today a coworker was talking about friends of hers who quit their jobs and sold their houses and cars and moved to Turkey. Josh and I had had serious conversations about doing that (although our plan wasn't Istanbul, it was Peru, or S.Africa or somewhere else entirely that I haven't even considered). I still want to, and I may. My goals, dreams, aspirations haven't changed, it's just that the vehicle and my partner are missing. I am still committed to making the world a better place, not only for me and my loved ones, but those who have no one to make it a better place for them. And you.

I have grown to love the sound of the quiet house. Alone is so not me. I kind of find it spiritual, though. It's healing to let things be (nice, huh, since I have no control anyway???) and yet down in my gut I get that things will be good, very good in the future. Just a part of me wants to know what, and how, when and of course WHO, if there is a who in this future. At this point that is irrelevant to me, but I am still curious.

My room looks amazing. It is still missing a few things (obviously), but I love the way it's coming together and am so loving it. Thank you so much Heather, Mom, Jack, Brooke, Matty, Ivey and Hunter. I owe you all big, and I totally know that. I have a big hole in my backyard...this summer come have a partyfest with it, nothing would make me happier!

I know a few of you at least are reading this, because people keep mentioning it to me. Leave me some love, I need the positive reinforcement. :) You never know, you could help make a single mom some money someday.

wiggling down and getting used to it...

I am slowly starting to get used to it. Not picking up the phone and calling Josh at every exciting (read: sad, happy, scary, funny, etc., etc.) piece of news, not calling Josh when I need someone to listen or make me understand why I am overreacting, and the list goes on and on.

The kids are doing brilliantly. Really. It's weird, actually. I keep asking them how they are doing and if they want to "talk to someone" - unequivocally no. But still, I watch, and they aren't mad, or sad or even acting much different at all. Hunter talks a little more, maybe because I am more available? :( Ivey talks alot-still :).

Josh and I are getting along fine. It's hard to do that because everyone wants us to be angry, at least a little. I still love him and want the absolute best for him and hope things always go his way.

Now - I am getting used to a few things -
not having to compromise about anything. Reverting to early years as an only child, I am so getting used to this!?!

My toilet seat stays put. I like that. Alot. :)

I never ever turn on the tv when the kids aren't home. I am getting used to the quiet and it's gotten comfortable.

I have really committed to being healthy. I don't want to eat or drink or whatever else my way through this. I am committed to experiencing the feelings, all of them, as they come up so that they won't come back around later at a less appropriate time. Because of this, I have recognized one way to do this is to work out really hard every night. Aside from wearing me out so I sleep good, the endorphines make me not feel crappy. Not too shabby. Eventually it has to start helping on the outside, too, I would guess, which would definitely not suck. Now, if this weird knee thing would go away, I'd be a happy camper. (I see the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow).

We are managing just fine and I appreciate your love, attention, kind thoughts, concern, and everything in between both now and for what the future holds. (a 3 mile run or a glass (or two) of red wine makes most everything cheerier!) I really like me and know that there is something really amazing just around the corner. Until then, though, right where I'm at isn't too shabby and is exactly where I'm supposed to be!

Just so you know...

It has seemed like this perfectly orchestrated schedule of friends, family and those I love calling to check in, ask how we are, stop by, etc. It has made me realize how very very fortunate I am to have such wonderful people in our world. With that said, please don't stop. I love hearing from those I love, and have also loved hearing from those I haven't talked to in a very long time. I really appreciate it.

Since things are kind of not complete yet (by that I mean Josh has moved out, but hasn't taken everything of his), there are those constant reminders that set off a flurry of feelings, and stir things inside me I don't particularly like. Anger, sadness, pity, resentment, embarassment to name a few. Not to say that all is bad. I have also been hit with a new feeling about all this--excitement. Excitement mostly about finding out exactly who Erika is and what she's made of. It's going to take me a while to work all this out for myself, but don't say you weren't warned.

Look out world! Hang on to your hats, it should be interesting...

putting it out there.

I am a single mother. I am no longer a part of a couple. WHEW! It's out there. Brumley and I are not staying together. If you are scanning quickly trying to find out exactly what happened, it won't be here. All that needs to be said is that we have grown apart and have both changed. He is still the same great Brumley and I am still the same great me. We are just going to be that and not be living under the same roof. The kids are good. They are handling it much better than anyone else, actually. We are staying close friends (how could we not after being best friends for 2o-something years??), and are committed to supporting each other through this in every way.

As we continue on and forge ahead in the many, many firsts that will come our way in the next however long, please send love our way. We all will desperately need it.

Oscar (Ott) Franklin Brumley

Current mood: nostalgic
Tonight, Josh went with me to an event I had to go to for work in Dallas. Just as we were getting there, Debie, his step-mom, called to tell him his Papa was in the hospital. For you Midlothian friends, his Papa is the darling old man who worked at David's Supermarket forEVER! He hasn't worked there since not too long after they moved into the "new" store, but if you ever went there back in the day, you knew him! He had more girlfriends there and flirted with the rest just in case they might some day be interested.
Well, not only is he in the hospital, but he's bad. Real bad. He was originally diagnosed with pneumonia, and once they got that under control, they realized he had some sort of blockage in his heart, and the bottom half of it was not working. They immediately took him into surgery to put in a temporary pacemaker. While this was very successful, his kidney's then started shutting down. This has all taken place since late last night.
This 89 year old patriarch who we all admire to the bottom of our soul is an amazing man. I am not just saying that because he is near death. He is amazing. He was born in Oklahoma in 1918. He was one of 15 siblings and had to quit school 3 days into the 5th grade to pick cotton for his family's survival. He saw more in his life time than you (or I) can ever imagine. Rather than become hard and bitter and cold, he worked harder. He bought his land out between Midlothian and Cedar Hill (Ovilla, Texas) in the sixtys, built a house and has lived there ever since. He took care of his wife when she had cancer. He worked until he was over 80 years old as a grocery carrier. He is an institution. He is soft spoken and thrifty and an amazing cook, and like all great "Papa's", always has folding money to share with kids for good deeds! He has stories you can't believe. He likes beer. With breakfast. He is quiet and unassuming and easy going and laid back. You might think that is repetitive, but until you know him, you can't quite get the extent of his easy going and laid back-ness. He is funny and wise, not someone who would ever give unsolicited advice. (I admire people like that - I'm SO not like that!) But he does have opinions. Strong opinions. He will usually just keep them to himself unless you ask, though.
I guess all this is to say, I feel horribly selfish for being so sad, because he has had such a full and meaningful life. He is tired and weak. He will be taken off life support tomorrow, and if he is strong enough to make it, he will, and if not, we will let him go. As simple as that, the world will be missing one amazing father who has set an incredible example for 3 generations of men (so far...Hunter hasn't become a father, yet, but I have every faith it will continue.). I am heart broken and sad but at the same time happy to wish him well and thank him for everything he has done to contribute to Josh's life, my life and my children's lives. If, in 50 years, I can look around me and see a family who respects, admires and adores me as much as we ALL do him, I will consider myself very successful. So he is.
**Update** I am sad to say that after 3 weeks, on Wednesday, May 23rd, Papa passed away.

it's weird.

I was transferring some of my old blogs over here and ran across one from March of 2008. What was on my mind at that time was grandparents. It's weird because two of those grandparents have died since then. Two just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary and one has transitioned to living alone in an assisted living and is truly loving his new life.

Just plain weird.

I spent a lot of time with my grandad and granny just before granny died. She was in and out of the hospital and rehab and so was he. Ultimately she died after only spending a day or two at their new assisted living digs. I disagreed with the decisions that were made and the reasons for them in her final days. Because there are four children (my mom being one of them), my opinions were not important, and I get that.

I believe people have the right to die as they wish. I believe if they ask for no more tests, no more medication, that should be honored. I also believe in doing the right thing, regardless of who is watching. I hate that no one has gone to bat for me, to explain who I am as a person and that hurts my feelings. I guess the best thing to say is sometimes nothing at all?

on my mind

Monday, March 31, 2008
: Current mood: sleepy
grand-parentals. One who moved into his assisted living apartment today and learning how to "be" with that until his wife gets out of rehab. One who is in rehab and trying desperately not to be sick anymore. One who is aging before my eyes but still playing on two softball teams, running every day, and on the freaking GO with a capital G! One I *never* see but still love.
bathroom remodel.
getting the moron out of the White House - and not putting another one in. I’m all about Obama, baby.
Thanksgiving week (cruise!!!).
getting our back yard ready for a couple of upcoming swoirees.
chocolate ice cream, with nuts, hot fudge and whipped cream.
pamprin.
my car desperately needing to be detailed.
Hunter starting to drive!?!?!
figuring out a way to go away with a cute guy I met in seventh grade for a weekend. alone.
the men and women fighting overseas and their families.
I need a swimsuit. :)
getting a new roof.
Hunter’s braces come off May 8th. (No, he wasn’t born with them, it just seems that way!)
Creating new doodle art.
middle school boys who don’t have outlets for their emotions. :(
I need a Sunday at home, with the fam in my hammock with a good book and a fruity drink with an umbrella.
I love how close Hunter and Ivey are. It’s cool.
Updating my Netflix queue(sp?)
My family. All of them, cousins who recently separated and figuring out how to live alone, cousins who live in Cali but were home last weekend, cousins who are buying houses, parentals who are stressed to the max taking care of their elderly parents, parentals who, although they are stressed to the max taking care of their elderly parents seem happier than ever with their spousal units, kids who are in relationships (bleh!), parentals who are divorcing, cousin who is in a place I never want to be, parentals-in-law who are celebrating their 25th anniversary soon, a sibling who is gonna have a baby and seems super happy with his wife, parentals who are getting to spend more time with their other grandchildren now and how happy that makes them!, how I never see many members of our families and how some of them I am actually sad about, uncles who are sick, my cousins little man and how I will get to see him lots more this summer! and how selfish some family members can be.
how glad I am to have a few really close friends who are always there when I need them.
having missed yoga for way too long.
the lady in my Dialogue on Race who gets on my nerves and how to address it.
the mean and nasty Clinton delegates from our precinct at the Democratic Convention Saturday. karma’s a bitch.
Josh’s first round of test results coming back normal and him being convinced it was no big deal then. :(
friends who have drifted away. Being ok with some of them drifting away. Wishing I could see some more often. Wishing the things that made some of us drift apart wouldn’t have come between us.
pms sucks.
how fun it was to be a part of our friends’ wedding this weekend and how very very fun it was to spend some time with my cousins shaking our booties afterwards. (how NOT FUN it was the next day to be a model in a hat fashion show feeling like I felt.)
how things are really good and how fortunate I am